My friend Scott does drag at bars throughout Indiana, and this last Saturday I went up to see him perform in South Bend, along with some other performers. He’s a fantastic performer. His drag name used to be Iva Thunderpussy, but apparently someone in South Bend stole that name from him, so he changed it to Nova China. I’ve only included his performances during the show, because if I were to include every single performer in the video, it would be nearly 90 minutes long. I’ve shortened it down to about 18 minutes or so. Enjoy.

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I went to Chicago on Friday to see the Fantasea exhibit at Shedd Aquarium. It was absolutely fantastic. You could tell a lot of work and a lot of money went into the production of the show. The best part is that I recorded it for all to see. Of course, seeing it in a video hardly compares to being there in person, but it will give you a taste of the show. I highly recommend everyone going to Chicago to see this show. It was absolutely amazing.

The video is about a half hour long, but I’m sure you all have broadband. If you don’t, then what are you doing on the internet? Go play football or something… The first ten minutes or so are typical of your average dolphin show, but about 12 and a half minutes in is where it starts to get interesting, so just bear with it. I didn’t feel like editing the video. I had to sit through all the boring stuff, and so do you. So there.

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Here’s a short story I just got done writing like three minutes ago. Enjoy.

The body was cold, lifeless, downright disgusting in its fashion sense, and really fucking fat. Jordan hated fat people. There was nothing worse than having to apply makeup to all that wrinkly, fat, disgusting skin. You can’t fix ugly, no matter how much fucking paint you put on it. Jordan shuddered.

As he stared at her absolutely disgusting corpse, he felt the urge to hit it in the face. There’s nothing worse than ugly, fat corpses. And besides, it’s not like she’s going to feel a goddamn thing, and it’s not like he’s raping her or anything. Now that’s fucking disgusting. Jordan felt the bile rising up in his throat, suppressed it; failed. And all over his clothes! The acidic stench burned his nose; this evil, dirty, unclean bitch had irreparably damaged what he considered to be the rest of his day, that filthy fat whore. Oh, she’s gonna get it now. You better fucking believe it.

There was something unsettling about the lack of blood in the open sores left behind by his pounding fists, but the act itself was exhilarating, that beautiful release, taking control of the situation and letting that stupid fat fucking bitch know who’s boss, the feeling that everything is right with the world, until your boss walks in, screaming, rage-filled, apoplectic, and confused as to why his employee is beating the shit out of that poor woman’s corpse. Surely this poor woman’s inert body did nothing to offend!

Now, beating a dead body isn’t exactly socially acceptable behavior, and some would even argue that it is rather against the law, but apply just the right amount of laughter during the trial and you can go to a clean place with white walls and plenty of nurses at your beck and call. That’s what Jordan did.

And my how the time just slows to a crawl when you’re doped up with nothing to do but sit and listen to dopey, stupid wanna-do-good-fresh-out-of-school nurses who don’t know jack shit and lack the essential skills necessary for intelligent conversation. And boy does time slow to a crawl when the only companions one has are too busy conversing with the wood paneling that lines the walls of the commons area. In short, it’s pretty fucking boring.

What does one do when one finds oneself in this predicament? Maybe the schizophrenics are onto something, after all. Talking to stationary objects can’t be any more painful than the dreadful drudgery of conversation with actual human beings. Hell, it’s probably infinitely more interesting and much easier to regulate. Jordan seriously doubted that the walls would ever run their mouths about him behind his back. And he was fairly certain that they knew what he’d do if they ever did.

His bed was pretty stiff and uncomfortable, and the blanket was paper-thin. It wasn’t until about the third day of his visit that he detected just the faintest whiff of vomit. Just the faintest. And of course, being the hygienic anal-retentive his mother loved so much, he threw it into the washing machine on the ward, expecting the smell to go away. It didn’t.

And it wasn’t just the blanket anymore. Now he smelled it in the nurses’ station. And there was just absolutely no way in fucking hell he was going to set foot near there to get his medicine, thank you very much. They were just going to have to bring his medicine to him, and that will be that.

Jordan even tried a makeshift gas mask made from a washcloth, but to no avail. The smell was stubborn. It hunted Jordan, and Jordan was driven further down the spiral of madness as days went by. By the end of his second week, the smell was absolutely everywhere. There was no escaping the scent.

And when one finds oneself in this particular predicament, it is only logical to want to remove the source of the irritant. And Jordan seemed to remember something about olfactory bulbs in the brain that are responsible for scent and scent memory, and it only seemed rational, of course, to locate a sharp object and go to town. What Jordan didn’t take into consideration during his fit of madness, however, was that sharp objects have a rather unforgiving personality, and are not biased in the least. In short, Jordan bled to death all over the floor in the commons area, and his only companions were too engrossed in their conversations with the wood paneling lining the walls to notice.

I was bored, so I decided to dress Jesus up in some fancy clothes. Let’s watch!

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Okay, here’s yet another short little video I did. It’s basically some guy running with trees and shit in the background. Not exactly an awesome concept, but it is totally awesome because I made it. Before long I will be an expert in 3D animation. I hope.

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I’m still teaching myself 3D animation, and made one that’s a little more complex. The scene you’ll see is only about 4 seconds long, but took two and a half hours to render. Fucking ridiculous. I’d hate to see how long it will take when I actually do a five minute long animation…

In this video, I used two different programs. I used Autodesk 3DS Max 2009 and Vue 7 XStream. I used Vue 7 to render the sky and the ground cover, as well as the 3D lettering. And I animated it all in Autodesk. The reason you see a watermark on the video is because I’m using the personal learning edition of Vue 7. It’s free and fully functional, and I’d say a watermark over your video is a small price to pay for such an awesome program.

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I came up with the idea to do some 3D animated shows, because I want to do something fancy for the website. Well, with the aid of Autodesk 3DS Max 2009, I have created my first little animation. It’s only a few seconds long, and took me about 1 hour to render. So even though it says that these shows will be coming soon, it might be a long while before I actually create a show, seeing as how this video alone took me over an hour to do, and it’s incredibly fucking simple.

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My friends and I went on an incredible adventure, to see the World’s Largest Ball of Paint, in Alexandria, Indiana. Our goal is to eventually see every tourist attraction in Indiana, and maybe the surrounding states. I’ll be bringing my camera with me and recording it all.

A couple of years ago, I saw a video clip in which Tom Green went to see the Ball of Paint, and decided that I was going to go see it too. Well, two years later, I’ve finally accomplished it. Not only did I get to see the World’s Largest Ball of Paint, but I also got to paint it! The proprietor was incredibly nice, and he even held my video camera for me.

Oh, and Andrea, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you’re in the video. I couldn’t edit you completely out of the video. I’m sorry.

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I was invited by some friends to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Lafayette. Well, not so much invited as forced against my will to go, because they’d bought my outfit to wear. I dressed as Janet. They apparently thought it would be funny to make me go in drag. Not only that, but if you dress up as a character in the movie, you get one whole dollar taken off your admission price. So, for those of you who have yet to send in your dares (remember, I’m doing that whole thing where you email me dares and I video tape them), this video is proof that I’m really not scared to do anything. I mean, I dressed up as a girl and went out in public for several hours! How many people do that?

It was lots of fun, especially because they had a bar! A bar! I got drunk and had a blast. It was more fun than I thought it would be. I had originally intended to record the entire thing and put it on the website, but the theater was so dark, I couldn’t film it. But I do have video evidence of my little excursion. It’s a pretty large file, so if you don’t have broadband, give up now.

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I have magical powers! I was visited by Thor, the Thunder God, the other night, and he was all like, “Hey kid, you want some magical powers, and I was all like “Hell yes!” So he gave me the ability to control lightning and shit. It’s so awesome. I know some of you are a bit skeptical, so to prove that I really do have magical powers, I made a video!

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I have a friend who tends to get into all kinds of awkward sexual situations. She’s agreed to do her own show, describing her various sexual encounters. Here’s her first video. Her name is Joan. She’s from Arkansas. I call her Joan of Arkansas. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

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I was feeling like a hippie, so I decided to write a social/political song, because that’s what hippies do. They also don’t eat meat. And they all smell like b.o. and patchouli. Stupid hippies.

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In order to prove even further that I am not Ryan Kintz, I created this video, explicitly stating that I am not Ryan Kintz. I am not as fat as I look in the video. The camera is adding at least 20 pounds… Stupid camera.

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Ahh, Ramen Noodles. I love them. Sometimes. This is what I have to eat in order to keep this site up and running, because I’m poor and can afford nothing else. Just kidding. I eat steaks every night, and wash it down with a nice glass of Pinot Noir. At any rate, I decided to do a tutorial video of sorts, for my more stupid and poor fans. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it.

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This is the first episode of a series of short films I’ll be making, called “Life Really Sucks.” It was inspired by myself, because I’m the greatest person in the whole wide world. I would just like to give myself a hug. I think I’ll do that.

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