Every day I think of things that piss me off to no end. So if you’re wondering when I’ll run out of things to say on the matter, you’re shit out of luck. I’ll probably never run out of things to say as long as I’m still kicking. Keeping that in mind, here’s Part V of the things that piss me off.

23. Ann Coulter.

If Ann Coulter would take that wig off, put on some men’s clothing, and wash that makeup off her face, I bet she’d make a pretty hot man. Come on, Ann Coulter! You’re not fooling anyone with that Adam’s Apple of yours. I’ve been secretly hoping for the longest time that I’d hear about some “wardrobe malfunction” in the news in which your penis falls out of your skirt. Who knew duct tape was so effective? Speaking as someone who is friends with several drag queens, I have to say that you’re pretty amateurish. You sorely need some tips on how to pull the illusion off. Here’s a free tip for you: Cover Girl does not cover boy.

And what’s with your political views? You’re making me look bad! I’m supposed to be the person with the fucked up political views, but you’re going a little over the top with it. Simmer down! Smoke some weed. Just stop making me look like a boy scout.

24. Rednecks Who Don’t Understand The Public Health Care Option.

I’m so tired of everyone talking shit about the public health care option. “We’re gonna be a bunch of commies!” they drool. What I don’t understand is why these assholes always believe everything they’re told. Instead of actually doing some research on the matter, they just take the opponent’s word for it, because they’re too lazy and stupid to find out the truth on the matter themselves. No, it is not going to turn us into commies. And besides, most of you don’t have health care anyway, so why are you opposing the public health care reform? It’s like saying, “I enjoy not having insurance and not getting the proper treatment for whatever illnesses I’m suffering from, and I’ll be goddamned if they’re gonna let me get free health care whenever I need it!” Fucking idiots. Shut the fuck up and do some research. Idiots.

25. Music Snobs Who Think They Know Good Music.

I was in class the other day, and for some inexplicable reason, my professor was wanting to get to know the entire class. I thought it was a mistake, but he just had to do it. But I digress…

It was my turn to start talking about myself, my hobbies, things I like, et cetera, when the teacher asked me what some of my favorite bands were. I told him, “At The Drive In, The Mars Volta, Sparta, Tool, Thrice, and Coheed & Cambria to name just a few.” And as soon as I mentioned Coheed & Cambria, this asshole in a Rob Zombie t-shirt scoffed, as if I was an idiot for liking this band. Yeah, as if Rob Zombie was the pinnacle of musical genius… What an idiot. I was so curious to find out what his hobbies were, and about a half hour later, the professor got around to him, and he said, “Well, I’m from California, I was a show DJ, had my own record label, which didn’t work out, so I moved to Indiana, because I knocked up one of my friend’s sisters, and now I’m going to school for computer sciences.”

Gee, I wonder why your “record label” didn’t work out. Maybe it’s because you listen to Rob Zombie. Idiot. Just as a rule of thumb, if you listen to any bands that get extensive radio play, you have no right to be a music snob. You are an idiot. Just keep chewing your cud, America.

Oh, and my professor likes At The Drive In, so I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.

26. Zombies.

Actually, I like zombies. They eat people, which is good, because without them, we’d be suffering from a population growth of epic proportions. Zombies contribute some valuable services for mankind. Namely, eating people who would otherwise hold up traffic, or ask stupid questions at the grocery store and hold up the line for several minutes. Instead of focusing on giving “special rights” to minority groups, we should instead be focusing our efforts on making zombies more than just second class citizens. Fuck gay rights. We need zombie rights!

What do we want?
Zombie rights!
When do we want them?
Whenever it’s convenient for the government to get around to it!

I bet you’re wondering when I’ll stop making this list of things that piss me off. Well, the answer is never. I will never stop. I will write about it until the day I die, and even then, I won’t stop. I will come back from the dead just so I can continue writing about all the things that piss me off. As you’ll find out soon, the list is almost endless. Here’s Part IV of The Things That Piss Me Off.

19. Quentin Tarantino Fanboys.

Quentin Tarantino is not a good director. The only good movies he’s ever done were Pulp Fiction, and Kill Bill Volume I. All the rest of his movies suck, and he totally rips off other movies. He’s not original or entertaining. And Quentin Tarantino’s movie in Grindhouse sucked. I’ve seen dead people move faster than the plot in that piece of shit movie. But no matter where I go, there are all these pseudo-intellectuals who keep touting Tarantino’s movies like they’re the fucking Holy Grail. It’s ridiculous. Shut the fuck up already! Tarantino sucks.

20. Brussels Sprouts.

Brussels sprouts are fucking disgusting. I could write books on how gross they are. They look like mutant cabbages, and taste infinitely worse. Brussels sprouts have the uncanny ability to make me regret ever having been born. When I was a child, I was force-fed brussels sprouts, and I quickly reported my parents to child protection services. They were charged with a Class A Felony. ‘Twas the greatest day of me life, methinks.

21. Anti Smoking Commercials.

I can’t stand those Truth commercials. If people want to smoke and ruin their lungs, let them. There are too many people on the planet as it is, and I think tobacco makes a great equalizer. We need something to get rid of the excess. Let people smoke. Who cares? Most places are non-smoking anyway. Non-smokers don’t have to worry about getting lung cancer. I’ve never known a single smoker who hides in the shadows, waiting to ambush a non-smoker with their second hand smoke. But sometimes I wish they would…

22. Anti Drug Commercials.

I’m so tired of these fucking anti drug commercials, specifically the anti weed commercials. Weed is perhaps the greatest substance known to man, and I say this as an avid weed smoker. I smoke weed all the time. The fact that weed has not been legalized is bullshit. And the entire reason that weed is illegal has nothing to do with weed being a harmful substance. It all has to do with racism and corporate greed, dating back to the 20s. Weed isn’t harmful. It has plenty of medicinal uses. It kills cancer cells, calms anxiety, relieves mild pain, just to name a few. The fact that America is buying into all the bullshit propaganda just goes to show that America will believe anything it’s told, because people are too lazy to actually do their own research to verify the claims made by the government. Here’s something you all should know: Your government lies to you all the time. Just keep that in mind.

Did you think I had forgotten about my list? Well, rest assured I have not forgotten. So without further ado, I give you Part III of the Things That Piss Me Off, in no particular order.

14. Miley Cyrus

Never in the history of the world has there been a bigger talentless cunt than Miley Cyrus. As you’re all probably aware, she was genetically engineered by Disney to provide fun, wholesome, family-friendly entertainment to the entire world. I never really paid much attention to her before, but now that she’s trying to get our First Amendment rights taken away from us, I loathe the stupid cunt whore bitch twat with a passion unbridled. What a fat cunt! Which leads me to the next thing I hate.

15. Pussies.

There’s nothing worse than someone who is overly sensitive to criticism. Oh, so someone called you fat online? Why don’t you cry about the opinions of some random person whom you’ve never met and never will? You’re a disgrace. Grow a pair of balls and insult them back, or better yet, ignore it! I’m pointing at you, Miley Cyrus. You have millions of dollars! If I had millions of dollars, I wouldn’t care what anyone said about me. Actually, I don’t care what people say about me now, because I’m not a pussy. Just shut the fuck up. Here’s a tissue. Now stop trying to take away one of the few rights the citizens of this country have left.

16. Human Beings.

Humans suck. All they do is whine and bitch and moan about things that piss them off, and sometimes they even go so far as to write about it on their stupid blog. Plus, every single human being on the planet has one STD or another. And they’re all murderers, and they’re all lazy and they all steal. They also eat watermelon and refried beans and rice. They’re so stupid.

17. Christian Rock

Seriously? Christian rock? This is how I imagine a “Christian rock” concert would go:

“Hey mothertruckers! You all ready to flippin’ party?! Let’s get this party started! Yeah! I wanna see all you mothertruckers in a mosh pit! Beat the ship out of each other for the Lord! Fudge yeah! I can’t fudgin’ hear ya! You mothertruckers ready to praise the Lord? I can’t flippin’ hear ya!”

Yeah, doesn’t really work.

18. Censorship

Oh, you’re offended by certain things on TV, the radio, and the internet? You want to start a smear campaign against the creators of said material? You want to ban the material so your stupid snot-nosed kids don’t soil their virgin eyes and ears? How about this: Next time you find offensive material, HIT THE BACK BUTTON! TURN OFF THE TV! CHANGE THE STATION! There are all kinds of things you can do to keep all that scary adult stuff out of your ears and eyes! You don’t have to resort to infringing on everyone’s first amendment rights! And I know this may seem like a radical concept to most of you, but bear with me. If you don’t want your kids seeing/hearing said material, how about you WATCH WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE DOING! Quite simple. So go ahead and continue living in your little fantasy world where everyone says only nice and wholesome things. You can find the rest of us in the real world.

Since there are so many things in this world that piss me off, I’ve decided to make a comprehensive list of every single thing that pisses me off. As this list is a very large one indeed, I’ve also decided to break it up into about 100 different posts. I’m pretty sure that the list is long enough for 100 posts, and if it isn’t, I’m sure there’s no shortage of things that piss me off. I’ll make it happen. Anyway, here’s part II of the things that piss me off, in no particular order. Enjoy.

7. Repeating Myself.

If there’s one thing that pisses me off quite like no other, it’s repeating myself. How difficult is it to open up your ears and commit to memory the things I say? I should never have to repeat myself. It takes a great deal of energy to verbalize my thoughts. When people ask me what I said, it’s as if they’re saying, “Sorry, I couldn’t be bothered to pay any attention to you,” when they should be paying attention to me. I never say anything that isn’t important. In fact, my words have been known to possess the power to heal the sick. My words could save your life one day, and besides, you should feel privileged to be in my presence long enough to hear me speak. It is an insult of the highest order when one ignores the things I say.

8. The Jesus Fish

I live in a pretty ignorant, redneck community. According to statistics I’ve made up on the spot here, 87% of the citizens with cars in this town have the Jesus Fish on the back of their car. What pisses me off about the idiots who feel compelled to put that piece of shit on their car is that they have no idea what the fish actually means. “It’s because of that part in the bible where Jesus feeds everyone with fish and stuff” is the answer I inevitably get when I question them. No, idiots, the fish symbolizes Pisces, the age we’re currently in according to astrology. All the talk of fish in the bible is nothing more than symbolism for the age of Pisces. And besides, there are no extra-biblical references of Jesus, which implies that he’s completely made up.

9. New Age Bullshit.

New Age anything is bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Holistic medicine, alternative medicine, whatever the fuck you want to call it, it’s still bullshit. Seriously? Magnets? They’ll heal any and all ailments? Fuck! That’s amazing! Amazing bullshit, that is.

10. The word “Like” as an Interjection.

Like, this one time, I was like, you know, talking to this dude, and he like, you know, was all like “Hey, you wanna buy some pot?” And I was all like, “Um, yeah, like, how much for a dub?” and he was all like, “Uh, I only sell by the O,” and I was all like “Oh.” I mean, like, who wants to buy a whole O? I mean, like, you know, that shit’s like, oh my god, and you know, like, you can get in trouble and shit.

Get the picture? Good. Moving on.

11. Old People.

Nothing makes me grind my teeth harder than old people. Especially old people who have decided that they’re going to commit the rest of their lives to ruining everyone else’s by getting behind the wheel of a car. The light is green! The speed limit is 45! Why are you driving at 10 mph? Drop it like a bad habit, bitch! Fuck! Stop being so worthless! Why won’t you just die? Sweet Jesus just die!

12. Nickelback.

Nickelback is perhaps the worst band on the fucking planet. They are the absolute fucking worst thing that can happen to one’s eardrums. It’s about as cookie-cutter as you can get. Listening to this barrage of fecal matter would probably make AIDS patients feel grateful that they’ll be dying soon. The only positive thing I can say about Nickelback is that their music really puts things into perspective, in that you’re pretty sure that it can’t get much worse from there. I wouldn’t wish their music upon my worst enemy.

13. People who can’t stop having kids.

Why is it that the only requirement in this country to be able to have children is functioning genitalia? Why is it that when people would like to adopt children, they’re investigated by the FBI, ensuring that they have no criminal history and the financial stability required to raise a child? But if you want to have your own kids, the only thing you need is a vagina and a set of balls. You know why there are so many children in foster care, why there are so many kids being physically and sexually abused? Because we don’t have these same requirements of people who want to have their own children. If people want to have children, I think they should undergo a battery of psychological tests, as well as IQ tests. If they fail, they get neutered/spayed. If they pass, they get a license to breed. It just seems patently stupid to need a license to drive a car, but not a license to raise a child.

I realize that this could be a lengthy article indeed, so for the sake of brevity, I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, as <sarcasm>I realize that all of you have very important things to do and I wouldn’t want to take up all of your precious time</sarcasm>, and that’s why I’m breaking this up into about 100 different posts. So here’s part I of my list of things I really hate, in no particular order.

1. Republicans

Republicans are the scum of the Earth, touting their “high moral values” while at the same time snorting coke off a hooker’s ass crack. Nothing screams douche-baggery quite like being a Republican, or as I like to call them, “Repuglicans.” What perplexes me most about our country is how anyone can vote for a Republican. You know what Republicans care about? Not you, unless you have millions of dollars in your bank account. Voting for a Republican is like having a one night stand, and expecting a marriage out of it, but instead being told, “Well, the sex was okay, but I’m not really looking for a relationship. Sorry.” Oh, and did I mention that the bastard never used lube? Ouch.

2. Children

Jesus fucking Christ I hate children! They’re annoying, they talk too much, they scream at random intervals (well, I think it’s perfectly timed to interrupt whatever it is you’re doing, which, obviously is way more important than whatever it is the little brat demands), and they smell bad. They always have to talk back, and you just want to hit them so badly, but it would totally violate your parole, so you try to walk away from the situation, only to discover there is no escape, so you get fed up and say to yourself, “Oh, what the hell,” and haul back and hit the kid, but then the kid’s parents start screaming at you, asking you questions like, “Who the hell are you?” and “What the hell are you doing in my house?” Children are the worst conceivable thing that can happen to a person, other than AIDS.

3. McDonald’s

McDonald’s has the shittiest food I’ve ever eaten, and I’ve eaten some pretty fucked up shit in my day. McDonald’s doesn’t even sound good when I’m high, and coming from someone who eats horseradish and ketchup sandwiches, that’s saying a lot. Plus, every time I’ve gone to McDonald’s there have always been entirely too many children running around and screaming. If I had the choice between eating at McDonald’s and contracting genital herpes, I’d probably eat at McDonald’s, as I don’t think the side effects are permanent, but I would probably rather get toothpicks shoved up my fingernails for five minutes than eat at that shit-dumpster ever again.

4. Pseudo-Intellectuals who think they’re smart because they’ve read The Fountainhead.

Everywhere I go, there are all these assholes shouting, “Ayn Rand rocks!” and “Objectivism is the most rational philosophical concept the world has ever known, and if you disagree, you’re probably one of those collectivist pieces of shit! Baaah! Baaaah!” It’s so annoying! Stop it already.

5. People who don’t understand sarcasm.

Looking at you, dear readers.

6. Religious Fanatics.

Enough with the Jesus fest already! We get it! You love your Jesus! You just love love love love love love him! That’s all well and good, but keep it to yourself! When these people go on and on about their religion, pay attention to their eyes. You’ll notice that they start becoming dimmer and duller; they have a certain glazed quality about them. And the drool is absolutely disgusting. Not very sanitary.