I just bought a brand, spankin’ new computer yesterday, and because I’m in good spirits these days, I’m thinking of changing the format of the blog. From now on, I will be doing my blog in video format. Mainly because I’m tired of typing, and partly because I know none of you know how to read. So I’m going to do my blog in video format from now on. I should have the first of many, many video blogs up by tomorrow. So stay tuned for that.

Also, I’m still making music, and posting it on my other site, C-Negative , so feel free to check that site regularly. I’m thinking of doing a video blog for that site as well, but of course, it will primarily be about music, rather than the evil, secular material I post on this site.

Oh, and now that I have a pro account at blogtv, I’ll be doing live video shows more regularly, so check back every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday to see me in action. Just click on the “Live Video” post-it note at the top of the page. I can’t guarantee that it will be particularly fun or exciting, but you’ll get to see me sit in front of a computer and talk about random things. So it might be interesting, if you’re rather voyeuristic.

Does that cover everything? I think so. I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head. So keep checking back. You’ll probably not regret it.

Breaking news, everybody! That horrible scamming company, Big Time Entertainment has changed their name. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this shitty company, basically what they do is prey on young, inexperienced bands. What they do (well, what they used to do, anyway… I’m unsure about whether they still practice this or not) is email bands on Myspace, telling them that their band is awesome and that they would like to book shows for them. Which sounds really good, until you realize that you have to sell a preset quota of tickets and basically do all the promoting yourself, and give them a ridiculously huge percentage of the ticket sales. Not only that, but you actually have to pay out of pocket to have the tickets printed out at Kinko’s! They won’t even give you the tickets they require you to sell! Basically, they make you do all the work and take all your money. According to their pay scale, if you sell 35 tickets at $7 a pop, BTE gets $210 of that money, and you get $35 to split between your band members, which is totally fucked up, because you did all the work. The only “work” they did was email you. They don’t stick around to support the show. They stick around long enough to take your money, and then they leave. Like I said, they’re a huge scam.

Well, today I decided to check up on them, to see if they were still up to their old game, when I discovered that they are no longer called Big Time Entertainment. Now they’re called Afton, and this is their website. I’m pretty sure that they’ve changed their name because people have caught on to their bullshit, and they’re hoping that by changing their name, people will assume they’re a completely different company. Not only have they changed their name, but now, instead of forcing bands to pay out of pocket to print out tickets, it’s all done online. Now you have to tell everyone to pay for the tickets online, and Afton/BTE has added some extra fees as well. Anything to squeeze more money out of their unsuspecting victims. And what’s worse is that by doing this, they now have a huge database of credit card numbers and email addresses. They still pretend that they’re out to help musicians make it big, but they’re really just out to make a buck off the naïveté of new and inexperienced bands. Do not fall for this scam! As a musician myself, I feel it is my duty to protect my fellow musicians from evil douchebags like this company. Fuck these assholes! I won’t rest until they stop scamming my fellow artists.

If you are friends with musicians, warn them about this company. We need to stand up for each other and let these assholes know that we’re not going to let them leach off our hard work! Let’s put an end to this horrible company once and for all! For more information on this horrible, shitty company, you can read here, here, and here.

I’ve been working on my new album for quite some time now, and just because I’m a really nice guy, I’ve decided to post one of the songs from my album on my other site, C-Negative. So if you’re interested in getting a sneak preview of my new album, head on up there and have a listen.

This new album is basically me pouring my heart out to people who don’t give a damn. That’s pretty much the gist of it. Because let’s face it: none of you are smart enough to grasp what I’m trying to do. You’re all pretty dumb.*

Once my album is finished, I’m going to pay out the ass to have 500 copies pressed. They will be for sale. I’m thinking $10 a copy, plus shipping. So you’ll need to hurry and buy one once they’ve been made, otherwise you’ll miss out. They’ll be worth tons of money once I get famous. Fo’ rizzle.

* That was a joke. I can’t believe I have to tell people these things, but whatever…

Pat Robertson seriously said that Haiti made a deal with the devil back in the 1800s so they could free themselves from their European masters, and that the deal they made with the devil is responsible for the earthquake they had recently.

What. The. Fuck?

Seriously? Why hasn’t anyone taken this insufferable douche bag off the air? This is just like during 9/11, when he blamed the attacks on homosexuals, and just like Hurricane Katrina, when he blamed that on abortion being legal in this country. Basically, he blames whatever groups he dislikes/don’t agree with him for whatever the tragedy du jour is, then asks you for money to help his cause! For those of you who like to donate to worthy causes, don’t give him a fucking penny. He has absolutely no intention of using that money to help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. He does, however, have every intention of using that money to further his own fucked up agenda. Fuck Pat Robertson. I hope he chokes on guilt and shame for eternity.

However, if you feel so inclined, you can do a good deed by donating to the Red Cross, an organization that actually does help victims of natural disasters, unlike Pat Robertson. Please donate if you have the money to spare.

Oh, and fuck you, Pat Robertson. Fuck you.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I contracted a rather nasty stomach virus. Note to person who gave me said stomach virus: I will find you, and I will kill you. Also, I was just kidding about that killing part. I’ll just smack you about the face and legs for a bit, I suppose.

Also, the spring semester has started, so I’m undoubtedly going to be pretty busy as soon as the first week is over. The first week always consists of going over the syllabus and sending us on our way. The work doesn’t really start until the second week. That’s when all the papers start. Ugh. Just thinking about all those 150 page papers is making me wish for death, or something similar.

Also, I’m moving next month. I’m paying my last month’s rent here, to finish out the lease, then I’m moving. So don’t be surprised if updates are few and far between for the next few months or so.

I just started a new website today. It’s a website dedicated to musicians. It’s a place where all musicians can show off their music and write about whatever they want. It is also where I will be putting all my music from now on. The website is called C-Negative.

If you’re a musician, or if you just want to hear some music, check it out. I’ll probably update that site more often than this one. Or maybe not. Who knows. One thing is for sure: now that I have a separate site for my music, I’ll probably be doing a lot more recording than I have been doing in the past.

Well, half the school year has passed, and guess what? I didn’t catch the swine flu. You know why that is? Because it’s a bunch of bullshit.

All anyone talked about all fucking semester was the H1N1 virus outbreak and how we’re all going to die. It was ridiculous. They even set up hand sanitizer dispensers all over campus and I made it my mission to never use them. I purposely tried to contract this alleged H1N1 virus, but to no avail. You know why that is? Because it’s a bunch of bullshit.

So I think it’s safe to assume that the H1N1 virus doesn’t exist, and that it’s a huge hoax. No one died, and I didn’t even so much as come down with a cough. Probably because my immune system consists of nothing but microscopic ninjas. They’re good at what they do.

I can’t wait for the powers that be to come up with a new disease epidemic so I can ignore it as well.

I love getting email from people who read the site. I especially love it when people get to my site through a search engine. However, this latest email held some very, very bad news:

From: Bradley Hines
Subject: Dude, Duggar family going to have their 19th baby ><

“I just came across all your posts when I google I hate the Duggar Family.
I don’t hate them for the same reasons as you do, but for a couple. For one obviously, they already have too many fucking kids. I seriously think that the size of hispanic families or chinese families is a blessing compared to The duggars. What a curse they are. I agree, Use some fucking birth control!”

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why can’t these assholes give it a rest? It’s unreal the number of kids they have. Someone castrate these fucking assholes already! They need to be stopped! That stupid bitch needs to close her stupid legs and cauterize her huge, loose, droopy, flappy pussy shut before she destroys the planet with her incessant need to reproduce!

Jim Bob (Seriously? What the fuck kind of name is Jim Bob?) was quoted as saying “This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child.” So not only are they having another fucking kid, but one of their kids is also having a kid! Could this day get any worse?

These fucking assholes apparently don’t understand that the world is overpopulated as it is! “World hunger? Please! Who cares? Let’s consume everything! It’s not like it’s gonna matter when Jesus comes back LOLOLOLOLZ!” these ignorant fucking assholes proclaim to the entire world. The last thing this world needs is more idiots running around, holding up traffic, asking stupid questions in grocery stores, and impeding scientific progress because of their stupid, idiotic, bronze-age, fairy-tale, ignorant fucking beliefs. If this country doesn’t implement a eugenics program soon, I fear the human race is doomed. We will all die.

And guess who we’ll have to thank for it? You guessed it. The fucking Duggar family. Fuck these assholes.

I hate just about everything. I even hate hating things. I hate love, I hate hate, and I hate hating hate. And I also hate people who say “OMG” or “LOL” out loud. Fucking retards. I guess I’m just filled to the brim with hate. Probably because I’m such a loser. I also hate people who come to my website, quote something I said, and then act smug as if they just made a valid point, thus winning whatever “argument” they’re pathetically trying to make. I just know that some douche is going to quote the whole “I’m a loser” thing that I just wrote two sentences ago and act as though they just won an argument, never realizing that I put that there on purpose just so I could lure these idiots into a false sense of security.

People who come to my website to try to “debunk” any of my “arguments” are insufferable douche-baggy yeast-infected twats. I don’t take anything I write seriously, and neither should anyone else. I only have this website because I have money to waste. And it’s way more fun than collecting stamps. I’m not trying to become famous, and I’m not trying to make money off this site, which is why I don’t update all that often and why you don’t see ads all over the site. So why are any of you even visiting this site? Go away. I hate all of you. I’m not kidding. You all suck. You’re all stupid. Go away.

I just received an automated email from my site letting me know that someone registered an account. I was, of course, perplexed. I mean, it’s not like this is a particularly entertaining site, and I definitely don’t recommend reading any of the words on any of the pages. Maybe, I reasoned to myself, there really are people out there who enjoy that sort of thing. Let’s check out who this person is.

I checked out the username the person picked, and found out that he (or she) used the name jordyngrace0. Well, I immediately thought it was some clever spammer who got through my defenses, so I figured I’d check out this particular username to see where else it might pop up.

I typed the name into Almighty Google, Omniscient Source of All Knowledge, and found a link to a story dated December 18, 2008, from People Magazine online, and upon clicking said link, was dismayed to discover it was a story about the fucking Duggar Family’s 18th child being born. Yes, you read that correctly. They have 18 fucking kids. Ridiculous. Guess what this child’s name is? Nope, you totally guessed wrong. The kid’s name is Jordyn Grace. For real.

So I’m left to wonder if the person who registered an account on my site is a real person with a sense of humour, one of the Duggar Family themselves, or a stupid fucking spam bot. It turns out that it was none of the above. I decided to do some more research and found out that her real name is Katie Reznicek, and that she lives in Texas, and that she’s a God-fearin’ Christian, and according to her Twitter profile, she is, and I quote, “Doing everything I can to be faithful to God while juggling nursing school, this crazy life, and a new love!” Upon further investigation, I dug up a photo of her and who I presume is her boyfriend on her Facebook profile. I would show you the picture, but I don’t think it would be polite to put her picture up on my site, so I’ll give you the link to her Facebook.

So, Katie, don’t attempt anything stupid. I know exactly who you are, and if you’re here to persuade me to convert to Christianity, or to verbally attack me for not believing in the same things you do, don’t bother. I will immediately ban you.

I went to Chicago on Friday to see the Fantasea exhibit at Shedd Aquarium. It was absolutely fantastic. You could tell a lot of work and a lot of money went into the production of the show. The best part is that I recorded it for all to see. Of course, seeing it in a video hardly compares to being there in person, but it will give you a taste of the show. I highly recommend everyone going to Chicago to see this show. It was absolutely amazing.

The video is about a half hour long, but I’m sure you all have broadband. If you don’t, then what are you doing on the internet? Go play football or something… The first ten minutes or so are typical of your average dolphin show, but about 12 and a half minutes in is where it starts to get interesting, so just bear with it. I didn’t feel like editing the video. I had to sit through all the boring stuff, and so do you. So there.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

The following words are pointless, and if you value your time, you’ll walk away now.

So go on, walk away. Do it. It’s not as if I’m not used to people just walking out on me. That’s all anyone ever does. They just abandon me and make me feel bad about myself. I guess I kinda let them do it though. Or maybe it’s not so much that I let them do it as much as I drive them to do it. Anyway, I digress.

The weirdest thing happened to my friend Andrea. You know, the crafty one who moved to Colorado because she’s a big meany-face. Anyway, she texted me on my phone and told me that she had received a text message from the future. Weirdest thing ever, right? WRONG! Midgets taking dumps on amputees while simultaneously singing the national anthem into a bowl of soup is the weirdest thing ever. Duh.

Back to the story… Well, Andrea said that she had received a text message dated December 6, 2019. Holy popsicle sticks! That’s crazy! Am I right? WRONG! Paying a homeless lady to take a dump into a can of baked beans while you eat a slice of pizza covered in ranch dressing is crazy! This is just mildly kinda interesting at best.

Anyway, I’m kinda interested to know what the cause of these text messages from the future is. I’ve looked online, and I haven’t found any credible answers. Of course, I kinda expected that, mainly because the internet is populated with retards. I mean, it’s where people with no basic reasoning or social skills come to hang out. That’s what I call the internet. That place with all the retards wallowing about. Because, let’s face it: You’re all pretty stupid.

But I’m still interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter.

I thank you in advance, kind reader, for your most valued input.

November 26 is, as you all know, “Celebration of the slaughter of thousands of Indians by murdering a turkey” day, and I personally can’t wait to stuff my mouth with tons of food and continue to not care about the millions of starving people in third world countries. Why should I care about third world countries? It’s not my fault they’re too stupid to pick up a hoe and plant some seeds! If they’re hungry, they should eat some grass or something. How is this my problem? Why should I care? What contributions have they made to the world? Absolutely nothing. I mean, they can’t even speak English! What kind of a person refuses to learn the language of our lord, Jesus Christ?

You know how to solve world hunger? I’ll tell you how. Bomb third world countries. I mean, it’s not like anyone’s going to miss them. All they do is whine and beg and ask for handouts, refusing to do anything for themselves. It’s pathetic. They really should stop it. It kinda gets on my nerves, and it kinda brings everyone down. If they want food, they need to work for it. Let’s bring slavery back. It’s either that, or bomb the shit out of them and wipe them off the face of the Earth. Why is it that I have to work for my food, but all they have to do is starve themselves out of laziness and all of a sudden everyone’s obsessed with giving them free food? It’s not fair!

The citizens of this great country constantly bitch about welfare recipients in this country, but how are third world countries any different? Welfare recipients get free shit they don’t have to work for, and third world countries do the same thing. How are they any more helpless than the people in our own backyard? Instead of helping those lazy idiots in third world countries, why don’t we start helping the people here at home? I’d rather give free shit away to people who speak English, so I can at least get a “Thank you” out of them. You can’t even get that out of a denizen of some stupid third world country, because they don’t have the common decency to speak English, for Christ’s sakes!

To summarize: Third world countries are no different than welfare recipients in our own country, yet we fall over backwards to help those dumb motherfuckers, but ooze disdain when forced to pay taxes that help the poor in our own country. What. The. Fuck?

My friend Andrea moved to Colorado. I’m glad she got out of this shit dumpster of a state. Though I am sad she’s gone, I’m happy she has shit to look at now. I mean, she lives near or on the mountains. I can’t remember. But she’s right by them, at least, so there’s something to look at other than the bleak, desolate, flat and arid landscape of Indiana. Indiana has got to be the biggest eye-sore this world has ever seen. Besides Nebraska. What the fuck is in Nebraska?

Speaking of shitty states, does anyone know what goes on in Delaware? Or even Rhode Island? What the fuck goes on in North or South Dakota? Or Iowa? Or Idaho? There are only three interesting states to visit in America, I swear.

Speaking of places I’d like to visit, I was thinking about visiting your mom’s house. Oooh, burn! I so totally got you all on that one. You all just wish you could be as awesomely witty as I am. You know what makes me witty? Lots of marijuana. I only write for this site when I’m high.*

If anyone even reads the things I write, I’d be really surprised. I mean, not that what I write sucks or anything. I’d just be surprised that there are actually American citizens out there who are capable of understanding all the little symbols on this page here. I mean, let’s face it; Americans aren’t exactly the sharpest knives in the oven.

Speaking of ovens, why is it that the bun in my oven is taking so long to cook? I hate being pregnant. It sucks. All I do is bitch and moan like I’m on the rag, and I throw up a lot and complain about irrelevant things. Oh, and I feel compelled to eat six times the amount of food I’d normally eat, because I’m eating for two, dontchaknow. Yeah, in a second that’s gonna be a real word. Dontchaknow?

I was walking down the street the other day with a really important piece of paper in one hand, and dontchaknow it, the goddamn wind blew it out of my hand! (YES! “Dontchaknow” is officially a word now.)

Fin.

* As I’ve said on numerous occasions in the past, don’t take anything I say seriously. I make just about everything up. I feel stupid for having to mention this, but in today’s litigious society, I kinda have to watch my back. The days of free speech are long gone, my friends, so now I have to explain to everyone when I’m just kidding and making jokes. I used to be able to rely on the common sense of my readers, rather than having to explain myself, but apparently no one can take a joke these days. Probably because they’re stupid. That’s what I’m thinking, anyway. So, to review, most everything I write is made up on the spot. If it seems silly and stupid, then it is not to be taken seriously. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, don’t take anything on my site seriously.

In keeping with my promise, here’s the most boring picture of a cat that I could think to draw:

Cat. Snore.

In an attempt to make this site as boring as possible, here is a picture of some sand. Hopefully this increases the snore factor 100-fold.

Yawn. Sand.

Have fun with that. You can go away now that you know I’m keeping my promise.

I wish I was a dragon, so I could breathe fire and cook my food so much faster. Actually, fuck that. I want to be a mutant. Specifically a mutant with powers. More specifically, I want the power to blow shit up with my mind. That way no one will fuck with me. I’m so tired of being picked on…

I really want to say something interesting, but I think I’ll refrain. You all don’t deserve anything of substance. So now I’ve decided to just write inane bullshit until everyone just stops visiting the site. That way I can really say what I want to say without the undeserving folks being able to read it. So stop visiting my website. I hate all of you. Seriously. Not kidding. You all suck.

I don’t want fans. Seriously. Just go away. I hate you. You’re stupid. I hope I’ve offended and alienated every single last one of you. Because I don’t want you around me. What have you ever done for me? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what. Fuck you, you dumb, lazy assholes.

Just kidding. I don’t really think that about you. But I do want you to go away. Visit other websites. Because my plan from here on out is to make this site as boring as humanly possible. I think I’ll start posting pictures of sand or cats or something else equally boring.

Well, I just got the test results for that lump on my testicles. Bad news… It’s cancer. Looks like I have less than three months to live, as it’s already metastasized. Oh well. I had fun while it lasted.

In other news, the internet still sucks.

Why is everyone on the internet so stupid? I swear I’m like one of the very few intelligent people on the internet. You’re all really stupid. Just thought I’d remind you. You know, because you’re really stupid and you’d probably forget if it weren’t for me.

Every website I go to anymore is just filled with stupid, boring, irrelevant, idiotic, retarded dumb shit. And the comments people leave! Ridiculous. I refuse to believe it’s that difficult to use proper punctuation/spelling/grammar. Let’s use complete sentences people! Anything less than perfection is just pure laziness on your part. Idiots.

I have actually been avoiding the internet for the last few days because I’m so tired of all the inane horseshit everywhere. There’s absolutely nothing worthwhile or entertaining about the internet anymore. YouTube is nothing but unwatchable garbage, and every blog I go to sucks donkey dicks. No one has anything interesting or unique to say anymore. Not even me, but at least I’ve been upfront about that from the start…

From now on, the only website I’ll be visiting on a regular basis is my own website, because it’s the only website in existence anymore that doesn’t piss me off. It’s the only website that I can read on a regular basis. It’s the most awesome website Ian has ever seen. Every other website sucks. I really ought to blame someone for this, but I’m not sure who to blame.

I know! I’ll blame YOU, America! You’re all a bunch of idiots. Duh. Almost forgot.

Well, I did my live show, and no one showed up. Not that I care or anything. I actually had a lot of fun looking like a stupid schizophrenic mongoloid. It was loads of fun. I can’t think of anything I would rather have been doing.

Seriously though, I had someone come into the chat room and say, “you look like a musclim gooch.” I’m not sure what a “musclim” is, nor do I know what the fuck the word “gooch” means, but I’m pretty sure that he had no room to talk, as he totally lacked the ability to use the English language effectively. What a fucking moron.

Just for the record, if you’re going to be a dumb shit and try to hurt my feelings or whatever, don’t bother. I don’t have feelings. I’m not even human. I don’t feel the same emotions you all do. The only emotions I feel are incredulity and exasperation. Incredulity because it’s hard for me to believe that all of you are this stupid, and exasperation because deep down, I know you’re all this stupid. Not that i expect you to know what those words mean. I really wish you’d all just die or something. You’re all idiots.

Don’t get offended. If you’re offended that just shows what a pussy you are. Tough it up, retards. If I can take your “abuse” (if that’s what you want to call it), then you can take mine at least. It’s called reciprocation, bitches.

Anyway, let’s hope that tomorrow will go a little better. My sister will be on the show, so you all better be on your best behavior, or I’ll keep this website up. If you all behave, on the other hand, I might take it down and make the internets a safer place for all. Just kidding. I hate you all. Fuck you.

Goodnite, everyone.

Oh, and tomorrow’s show will be later than 4:00 pm EDT. It’ll be probably around 8:00 or so.

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I studied for my stupid psychology exam for tomorrow. What sucks about my exam is that it’s all essay questions. I hate essay questions. I much prefer multiple choice, because then I can use the process of elimination to guess the right answers, because I’m way too awesome to be bothered with actually studying the material in-depth. So, since my psych professor is deciding to play hard-ball, I studied. All day. Okay, not all day. For two hours. The rest of the day I spent sitting in my recliner in the living room, with my laptop, just being awesome as usual.

I think I’m going to get my Ph.D in Nursing. Then I can be called Dr. Nurse. That would be so friggin’ awesome. I’d laugh and laugh. You know, because doctors are better than nurses, but I am both. I mean, the differences between the two terms contrasted with the two terms being combined in one phrase is what gives this particular joke its spectacular punch. I am both better than, and inferior to, myself. Hahahaha! Get it? Whatever… I’m not really going to get my Ph.D in Nursing. I’m getting my Ph.D in Comparative Literature. I figured I could at least get a job as a manager at McDonald’s or something.

One thing I’ve noticed about movies these days is that there is this ongoing fad with this formulaic method of titling a movie. This is the formula: verb-ing [person's name]. I can’t be the only person who’s noticed this! Saving Silverman, Saving Private Ryan, Raising Arizona, Chasing Amy, and Finding Forrester all follow this formula! It’s ridiculous! You know what a cool movie title would be? When Mentally Retarded Lesbian Midget Heroin-Addict Prostitutes Attack!

It’s just too bad that my humor is too sophisticated for my average reader. As I’m sure you’re all aware, my readers tend to be lacking severely in the intelligence department, if you know what I mean. I’m just glad that you guys aren’t so stupid. I’m really relieved that you totally get my high-brow humor. Just goes to show how sophisticated you are. Unlike my readers, who are almost, but not quite as brilliant as a vegetable garden.

If I could sum up the entire world in just two words, I’d pick, “Absolutely Disgusting.” Because life is absolutely disgusting. Do you realize that there are like hundreds of billions of multicellular organisms on this planet, and that all of them poop? Poop is disgusting. Then, of course, there are spiders who eat their mates. That’s pretty fucking gross, not to mention disturbing. And all of these organisms secrete fluids from one orifice or another in the body. Disgusting. We’re all a bunch of secreting, excreting lumps of matter. It’s so gross. And of all the disgusting things about life that I can think of, sex has, by far, got to be the most disgusting thing ever. All those fluids, ick! GROSS! I shudder even now, as I type these words. You know how I know there’s no god? Because we all poop and secrete really disgusting fluids.

I’m going to go vomit now.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. That’s what everyone sounds like to me. I can’t stand being forced to listen to people talk. It bores me. No one has anything interesting to say. Every time someone starts talking to me, all I can think is, “shut up, shut up, shut up.” Can’t you people give me some peace and quiet for five goddamn minutes?

I absolutely loathe my phone. It is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the bane of my existence. If I didn’t need my phone for important things, I’d chuck that fucker out the window faster than you could say “Blanket.” The phone wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t ring every five fucking minutes. So my new habit is putting the phone in the living room, turning the volume down on the ring tone, and going to my bedroom to get some much needed quiet time. When people call and I don’t answer, I can honestly say, “Oh, well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.”

I absolutely hate spending more than five minutes in any store. I hate shopping. I even hate shopping for things I really want to buy. I can’t stand being around all these drooling wastes of space that can’t do anything but block the aisles when I’m trying to get to the department that sells the particular items I specifically came to the store to buy. Ramming into them “accidentally” with my cart doesn’t help either. They’re too stupid to grasp the subtleties, I’m guessing. Nothing you can do or say will clue them in to the fact that they’re ruining your existence by standing there and breathing. People are getting dumber and dumber.

And no one at my school can shut the fuck up about the goddamn swine flu. The swine flu is a crock of shit. How many people has it killed? Two, maybe three people? The regular flu is deadlier than this lame excuse for a disease. Shut the fuck up about it already! Sheesh.

It would be nice if I could live in a world where everyone knows not to block the fucking aisles in the stores, knows that when the light turns green, you start hitting the gas pedal, knows that calling someone every five fucking minutes can be a bit distressing to the recipient of said phone calls, knows that the swine flu is just a crock of shit, invented by the companies that make hand sanitizer, because they realize that their profits are not as high as they’d ideally like them to be. It’d be nice if I could live in a world where everyone can just shut the fuck up for five minutes and let me get some sleep.

One thing I’m tired of hearing about is gay rights. I wasn’t aware that gay people didn’t have any rights in this country. I mean, federal law prevents discrimination based on sexual orientation. The only thing that gay people can’t do that straight people can is get married.

But is not being able to get married such a bad thing? Marriage is horrible. The divorce rate in this country is staggering, which suggests that marriage isn’t exactly what it’s cracked up to be. About the only positive thing I can think of that would come out of marriage is tax breaks, but unless you’re really poor, I don’t see why marriage would be worth it.

Speaking as someone who’s been in the foster care system, and has even witnessed the divorce between his adopted parents, I can honestly say I’d rather get my fingernails ripped out than be married. The marriage between my adoptive parents was like a prison, and it was depressing to watch. It was about as unhappy as it can get. My ex-mother (I’ve disowned her) was a stupid bitch, and a cunt to boot, and I constantly found myself hoping my dad would just haul back and beat the living shit out of her sometime.

Maybe not all marriages are as wholly depressing as my adoptive parents’, but I’m fairly certain that it’s more of the rule than the exception. And what makes gay men and women think that marriage would be different for them? Gay people are pretty promiscuous. I know for a fact that relationships amongst gay men are rare. One night stands are the norm. Go ahead and call me an ignorant homophobe who’s against gay marriage. That would be pretty ironic, really, considering that I myself am gay.

Gay brothers and sisters, ask yourselves these questions, and be perfectly honest. Would you really be happier if you were given the “right” to marry? What makes you think you’re so special that you couldn’t possibly find yourself in a loveless marriage, just itching for a divorce? And if gay marriage is ever legalized, would you really want to deal with a messy divorce?

If I never get married, I’d be perfectly happy. What is marriage but a piece of paper? Aren’t committed relationships good enough? And besides, if at any time you find the relationship not working, there’s nothing keeping you from just walking right out the door. It seems as though we actually have it better than the heterosexuals. And I’m okay with it staying this way.

I love kitty cats. They’re so awesome! LOLOLOLZ! If I had a kitty cat, I would feed it like almost every day! I would even hire some Mexicans to clean its litter box! Mexicans are the best at cleaning litter boxes. Their litter box cleaning skills are unmatched among mortal men. Or so I hear, anyway.

I remember having a Mexican maid. I would always hit her in the kidneys and scream at her, “Get me some food, you bean-guzzling cunt!” And she’d be all like, “Si, Senior!” And I’d be all like, “Speak English, bitch! This is AMERICA! We speak AMERICAN! How dare you speak Mexican in this house!” Then she’d cry herself to sleep and I’d be all like, “Wake up, servant! No sleeping on the job! We don’t pay you ten cents per hour to sleep!” Then I’d give her another kidney punch for good measure.

This one time she was all pregnant and she told me, “Por favor, Senior, no puedo limpiar la caja de litera. Estoy embarazado,” and I was all like, “What the fuck did you just say to me? I’ll beat your ass for speaking Mexican in this house!” And she was all like, “Sorry, sir, but I can not to be cleaning the box of litter. I am how you say pregnant.” So I punched her in the kidney and fired her. She cried and cried. I laughed and laughed.

But then I didn’t have anyone to clean my kitty’s litter box, so I was sad.

Don’t comment and tell me how offensive this is. Just because you have ovaries doesn’t mean you need to flaunt them. Grow a pair. And besides, I’m pointing at you, America. If you think this is offensive, you’re a hypocrite. Everyone acts like this toward one group or another. And you’re lying if you say you don’t.

I came across a picture that made me giggle profusely. I thought I’d share it with all of you. I did not create this picture, and I’m not sure who did, so I can’t really give credit to anyone. But if you are the creator of this picture, let me know. I am more than willing to give credit where credit is due.

Mr. Hetfield shops at Armani.

Because gay marriage is such a controversial subject, I thought I’d share this poignant, thought-provoking video with all of you. Enjoy

Whenever I hear about women getting anally raped in the news, I can’t help but think of Nickelback. “What does Nickelback have to do with women getting anally raped?” you might ask. Have you ever heard their music? If you have, you shouldn’t need to ask me that question.

Nickelback has caused more deaths than the holocaust. When asked whether they’d rather suffer through the holocaust one more time, or sit through 10 minutes of Nickelback’s “music,” the Jews responded, “Which way to the gas chambers?” thus proving officially that Nickelback’s “music” is so shitty that Jews would rather be anally raped by Hitler and thrown in a gas chamber than be forced to listen to it.

In a recent poll that I made up just now, 93% of Americans listen to Nickelback and actually enjoy their “music.” 99.9% of all teenagers love Hannah Montana, and other family-friendly hogwash, and 100% of me wants to die just thinking about the implications.

I’ve never understood why people listen to bullshit music. Why settle for mediocrity? I’ll tell you why.

America is MEDIOCRE.

Yeah, I said it. Yeah, I’m insulting you all. What are you gonna do about it? Just shut the fuck up and enjoy your sub-mediocre corporate cookie-cutter “music.” You’ve earned it, America.

Oh yeah, and fuck Miley Cyrus. She’s fat. And she’s a media whore. The bill hasn’t been passed yet, so this post will be grandfathered. Take that, you stupid twat. Oh, and if you sue me for saying this, it just proves my point even further. And besides, I have no money, you silly whore. Plus, your dad is an even shittier “artist” than Nickelback. Fuck him too, while you’re at it. I bet he’s enjoying living vicariously through your success as a shitty entertainer, because he sure as hell can’t do it himself.

Miley Cyrus, the genetically engineered Disney star, is fighting. Fighting against Free Speech, one of the few remaining freedoms that the citizens of this country enjoy. Ms. Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana on the Disney show of the same name, has decided that offensive words must stop. When questioned about the unconstitutional law she’s trying to get passed, she responded:

“Um, you know, like, um, it just like, you know, hurts my feelings and stuff when people say bad things, you know. People get hurt, you know, it’s not something that you take lightly, you know what I mean? I mean, like, you know, um, I hate it when people call me fat, and I was trying to think, which is something I’m not really good at or anything, and I “thought” that there should be, like, you know, a law against people hurting your feelings and stuff. I mean, you know, like omigod! You know?” *

If the new law passes, every citizen in this country will effectively have their right to Free Speech stripped from them, making it a Federal offense to speak one’s mind, especially on the internet. Sensitive pussies everywhere are in support of the bill, such as a man from Indiana, who asked that his name not be mentioned:

“Omigosh I think it’s such a great idea! I’ve always thought that making fun of people or criticizing people is a really mean thing to do, and now people will go to prison for doing it! It’s so great!”

Citizens of America, I urge you to fight this bill. Of course, I’m sure you’re all much too busy to do anything about it, what with all your awesome TV shows and whatnot. If this law is passed, I’m moving to another country. I can’t stand this shit anymore.

And no, I’m so not joking about this. This bill is seriously about to get passed by Congress. It’s called the Cyber-Bullying Bill. It’s real, and it will be passed. Our rights will effectively be destroyed. So enjoy it, America. You’re all a bunch of pussy fucking assholes. Fuck you. I have to get the fuck out of here.

* Not her exact words. But I imagine that’s probably what she would say, because she’s a dumb twat.

For the Christians that want all of us “evil” atheists to disappear forever, here’s a little video to give them a little taste of what will happen should they ever get their wish. Personally, I’m all for getting every atheist and freethinker together and leaving planet Earth, maybe establishing a colony on some other planet, leaving the Christians behind to rot.

Just remember, Christians, that all the modern luxuries that you have were brought to you by science, you know, the thing you hate so much. Should you ever get your wish, you’ll be pretty much sent back to the dark ages. Good luck with that.

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re incredibly stupid. According to a recent poll, I happen to have the dumbest readers in the world. Quite a prestigious honor. At last, I’m finally number one in something. I have the dumbest readers. Well, I hate to call them readers, because that would involve them actually reading something, which, according to a recent poll, none of my visitors know how to do.

According to recently compiled statistics, 74% of my visitors have herpes. I’m so glad that STDs can’t be transmitted over the internet, or I’d be a walking death trap. According to the same study, it was found that 87% of my visitors also have chlamydia. Scary stuff.

63% of my visitors are robots. 30% are zombies, 3% are human, and the remaining 4% are miscellaneous mythological beings. Of all miscellaneous mythological beings, 34% of my visitors said that the Leprechaun was their favorite, while a whopping 62% said that Jesus was their favorite. 98% of my visitors also suffer from schizophrenia.

77% of my visitors said that if given the choice between Cream of Mushroom soup and maggot-infested fecal matter, they’d rather eat the soup. 19% said they didn’t understand the question, and the remaining 4% said they’d just like to take a nap.

I’m really concerned that I may have the most undesirable audience a person could conceivably have. Given this plethora of statistics, I’m pretty sure that I’ve succeeded in alienating my target audience completely. I don’t care though. Having my own domain name gives me carte blanche to say whatever the fuck I want to say. I don’t take this site seriously, and neither should you.

Now shut the hell up, you herpes infected maggots.

All my friends are fans of the show, Lost. For the longest time, they’d all tell me that it’s the greatest show, and I’d always kind of shrug it off, and tell them, “I’ll take your word for it.” I’m not even sure why I was so vehemently opposed to watching the show, knowing nothing about it. Maybe because I’m always leery of doing things that everyone else is doing, as it’s been my experience that whenever lots of people are obsessed with the same thing, it always ends in tears. Like Christianity. Plus, I always kinda thought that if I started watching the show, like everyone else was doing, I’d become the very thing I hate most: a sheep.

Well, a few days ago, I decided to give it a shot, because I discovered that Netflix now has the first four seasons on the “Watch Instantly” feature of the site. I started watching from the beginning, and I couldn’t stop watching it! I got sucked into this show like coke through a dollar bill. After each episode, I was dying to find out more. I am now on Season Three, and I’m kinda sad that I’m almost through watching the first four seasons of this wonderful show. It truly is the greatest show ever. So Andy, Rob, Nate, I apologize for not believing you. And now I hate you for ruining my entire weekend. I could have been out doing something fun, but no! I have to find out what happens to Jack, Kate, Sayid, and Locke! This show is too amazing for words!

Of all the characters on the show, I’d have to say that Sawyer and Hurley are my favorites. Sawyer is just incredibly sexy, and Hurley just has this certain Je ne sais quois about him that makes you immediately like him. They couldn’t have picked better actors for the show if they tried. It’s a perfect cast, and the writing is absolutely brilliant. It’s shows like this one that make me glad I’m still alive.

I’m at a point where I’ve just run out of words to describe my hatred for society. I think I’ve said all I can say on the matter. Just kidding. I have plenty to say. I could go on for days, weeks, months, even years, on the subject.

For instance, Medicaid, which is state insurance for low-income people, has been privatized and is being run by IBM (at least in Indiana, anyway). Guess what they’re doing? They’ve apparently taken it upon themselves to strip everyone of their insurance benefits, leaving thousands of people without medical insurance, unable to pay for the medicines to keep them alive. And by stripping everyone from their benefits, they’ve saved millions of dollars, with which they’re lining their greedy, fat pockets. They will be responsible for the deaths of many people.

When an individual commits an act that ultimately leads to the death of another individual, it’s considered immoral and they are jailed. When a multi-billion dollar corporation makes decisions that could lead to the deaths of thousands, it’s considered good business sense.

There’s entirely too much hypocrisy for my tastes, and I’m getting really fucking sick and tired of all the injustices that occur on a daily basis, while the citizens of this great country just sit back and let it happen, because they’re good little fucking sheep who do as they’re told, and keep their blindfolds on at all times. Keep watching your mind-numbing television shows, America! Nothing to see here!

And when I point out all the things in society that bother me, like the above example, I’m told that I’m too angry and that I should just let it go and be happy. How can anyone be happy knowing that things like this go on all the fucking time? Why should I let it go? What’s wrong with being angry about it? In fact, I think everyone should be angry! If you see these things, are aware of what’s going on, and it doesn’t bother you, you’re a fucking sociopath.

And no one fights back, because we’re all dumbed down, sated and lazy, watching our stupid television shows, perfectly content to just sit back, blissfully unaware of the threat, just as the great Masters of our country have intended. Remove your fucking blindfolds, America! Open your fucking eyes and look around! It’s all fucked! We need to do something about it! It’s time to take back our country from the multi-billion dollar corporations! This is not a country by the people, for the people any longer! It’s a country by corporations, for the corporations! They’ve taken our power! They’ve taken our words, our country!

We’re sheep, which is just the way they like it.

School starts soon, and I’m super excited. My friend Rob is going to be in my Psychology class. You have no idea how excited about this I am, and I’m absolutely certain that none of you really care, as none of you know me personally to really give a shit. I’m not even sure why I’m talking about it. I guess I just had to throw that out there. What’s the point of having a blog that no one reads if I don’t talk about my personal life?

I finally got the good news today. The herpes test came back negative. Phew. That was a close one. From now on, I’m wearing a condom. I’ve learned my lesson.

Earlier today I had to take the biggest shit. It was absolutely disgusting.

For lunch I had food. It was delicious.

I got a free laptop! I got it for free, probably because I’m so awesome. In fact, I’m writing this article from the laptop using my wifi, because I’m so awesome. It really sucks that none of you were born as me, and I know you’re all feeling the sting of disappointment right now.

I’m not sure if any of my readers out there are aware of this, but Mt. Dew is the most amazing soft drink beverage this side of the Mississippi. It’s so delicious. I’m just kidding. I actually prefer Jones Soda. Whatever it’s called.

Goddamn it I need to get my medication, and stat! It kinda sucks being Schizophrenic, but the hallucinations are pretty sweet. I’m just glad I wasn’t born a retard. God, that would fucking suck! I personally thank the Genetic Gods for granting me this superfluous amount of intelligence, which I’m totally going to waste, by the way, just out of spite to the retards. It’s sorta like “Look at what I got! I got something you don’t! And just to make you feel even worse, I’m going to waste it! HAHAHA! In your face, retards! Have fun bagging my groceries, you complete social pariahs!”

I know that people are going to take all this seriously, and I’m sure there’s no point in saying this, because no one ever reads, but here goes nothing: I am not serious about the whole retard thing. I think retards are valuable members of society. They bring smiles and laughter to my face, anyway. Because I’m constantly making fun of them, you understand.

Oh, just shut the fuck up, everyone. It’s just a fucking joke. Now go change your tampons, America.

I just came across an interesting quote from the bible, and I just thought I’d share it with all of you, especially those who believe in all that nonsense. You ready for this shit? This gem comes from 1 Corinthians 1:21.

“For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.”

Here’s another quote, this time from 1 Corinthians 4:10.

“We are fools for Christ’s sake.”

I just find it incredibly hilarious that these quotes are in the book that Christians claim as their guide to life. I’ve always known that Christians tend to be pretty fucking stupid, and I find it absolutely hilarious that their own bible calls them stupid! I can’t stop laughing! It’s too much! Jesus Fucking Christ it’s beautiful! These quotes have made my day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In your face, Christians!

From now on, any time a Christian decides to step up and argue with me, I’m going to throw those verses right in their faces! I mean, it’s only fitting that I use their own bible-thumping tactic against them. When asked for any explanations, all they can do is quote bible verses. For some reason, these two quotes have never been used to defend their religion… I wonder why. Are they not aware of these verses? Or maybe they are aware, and are hoping that the opposition isn’t?

I know that Christians are going to say something like “You’re taking that quote out of context!” or “That’s not what that verse means!” or something equally dense. I think these verses are fairly straightforward, and I will use them from now until the end of time.

There have been a growing number of idiot believers commenting on my site. Well, only one article, that they’ve taken completely out of context, because they’re idiots. I would just like to clarify, Einstein was not a Christian. He publicly renounced his faith. These idiots think he’s a Christian because of one quote:

“A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty - it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and in this alone, I am a deeply religious man.”

I think the key words they’re missing here are “in this sense, and in this alone.” He didn’t say, “I believe that Jesus Christ is my personal savior.” He said that the Universe was so amazing and beautiful, that the emotions it invokes in him are similar to that of a religious experience. Just goes to show that Christians will bend and twist words around to suit their needs.

For future reference, I am no longer debating with Christians. Well, I should clarify here. I’m not going to debate with Christians unless they can bring reasonable arguments backed up by evidence to the table. If all you can bring to the table are logical fallacies and made up bullshit, I can’t argue with you, because you can’t be swayed by actual evidence in that mindset. It would be like arguing with a brick wall.

Now, I am in no way renouncing my atheism. I am only stating that I can’t argue with idiots. I will have a stroke. It’s not good for my health. So if you want to argue with me, make sure you actually know how to debate and how to avoid logical fallacies, otherwise I’m going to ignore you.

For those of you who like to blow shit up, here’s an awesome game for you. See if you can beat it. I did it in less than 20 minutes. Because I’m better than you, and your stupid dog. And no, I did not make this game. I just played it, thoroughly enjoyed it, and decided to bring it to you guys.

Yesterday, my friend Andrea and I were bored, so we decided to do some arts and crafts. For those of you who don’t know, (all of you) Andrea is one crafty motherfucker. She’s the craftiest person I know.

It all started yesterday while we were out for our daily jog. Andrea was all like “You wanna make newspaper baskets with me?” And, of course, I said yes. Because I think that making baskets out of newspaper is incredibly crafty. Well, later on that evening, after I got back from grocery shopping, Andrea came over with a shit ton of newspaper and some glue. Below are the results.

Andrea's Newspaper Basket.

Ian's newspaper basket.

As you can see, Andrea is way better at this sort of thing than I am. Hers is pretty much perfect, while mine is flaccid and reminds me of what it must feel like to finally reach middle age, you know, sad and floppy. Oh well. Maybe Andrea will teach me how to be crafty, too.

For those of you who would like to learn how we made them, Andrea said she’d write the instructions down for me to post on the site. You know you want to make one of these delightful creations. It’s way better than fucking your mother.

Goddamn it, it’s Dimebag all over again…

When Dimebag died, all these fucking posers came out of the closet as these huge Pantera fans, but not a single one of them could name one single fucking Pantera album, let alone their favorite album. None of them knew any of the band members’ names, and none of them knew shit about Pantera. Fucking posers.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, the same fucking thing is happening. All I see online anymore are people saying “RIP Michael Jackson! LOLOLZ!!!1″ I’m fucking sick of it. Why is it that every time a fucking celebrity dies, everyone is suddenly their biggest fucking fan? Fucking pathetic. I’ve never particularly liked Michael Jackson, and now that he’s dead, I care even less about him. I bet they can’t wait for the next celebrity to die, so they can jump on that fucking bandwagon as well. Why can’t these people actually have their own fucking opinions? They only like something if everyone else says they like it. It’s goddamn ridiculous.

I really wish I could invent a device to stab people over the internet, because I’d use it every day. The next person that says “RIP Michael Jackson” is going to get stabbed in the face three times. Michael Jackson’s music was mediocre at best. It’s nothing special. I haven’t done any research yet, but I bet anything that Michael Jackson’s record sales are going through the roof now.

I’m so glad I’m not a celebrity, because if I were, and I were to die, I just know that all the posers would be coming out of the woodwork to buy my albums and claim that they’ve been my biggest fans since the beginning. I’d have to dig myself out of my grave just to punch these idiots in the nuts. Fuck you, posers. Get a life.

I’m tired of arguing with Christians. They’re stupid, and it’s like arguing with a brick wall. I’m done. I’m no longer arguing with these idiots. If you want to debate me, I suggest you check out the works of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, and Daniel Dennett. Read the books by these authors, and then get back to me. If you still believe in your stupid imaginary gods, then I really don’t understand how you can remember to breathe on your own. Pick up a physics book! Pick up any science text, for that matter! It’s about time you assholes start trying to learn our position. We’re all too familiar with yours. Most Atheists were raised Christian. I certainly was. You know what opened my eyes? Science. That’s what. Oh, and I also have a whole brain, capable of thinking rationally. More than I can say about the rest of you.

I’m sick of this idiocy spreading throughout our population. I’m tired of having to deal with it. I’m sick to death of hearing about it on the news, in the papers, in magazines. Why is faith considered virtuous? I’ll tell you why. It’s easier for you all to be controlled. THINK FOR YOURSELVES! Fuck! You have no idea how frustrated I am with society in its current state!

I’m sick of laws being created based on some bronze-age bullshit text written over 2000 years ago. I’m tired of the rampant homophobia in this country. COME ON! It’s the 21st century for fuck’s sakes! Grow the fuck up! How the hell is it hurting you what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedrooms? Get your nose out of it! The only conclusion I can come to is that you are all somehow jealous of those of us who can live freely and think for ourselves. If you don’t like homosexual behavior, then don’t be a homosexual! If you don’t like freethinkers, don’t be a freethinker! If you don’t want to open your eyes and see the truth, keep your fucking blindfolds on! Just leave the rest of us the hell alone!

What the fuck do you care if the rest of us go to hell? You don’t! You just want to control us! Fuck you! All you do is preach about how we’re going to hell, pretending to care about our eternal souls, when, in fact, you really don’t, and just want to control what everyone else is doing with their lives, because you’re too wrapped up in your own convoluted beliefs. You don’t care if we go to hell. You just want us to stop enjoying our lives. Fuck you.

Oh, and in other news, Michael Jackson died yesterday. I’m sure you’re all aware of that, though.

There are just so many gods to choose from. But when deciding which god to trust with your everlasting soul, where do you turn for advice? I’ve looked and looked, and there are absolutely no sources of unbiased information regarding these gods. So instead, I’ve decided to make an application. The thousands of gods that have existed throughout the entire history of mankind now have the ability to fill out an application to apply for the job of “Caretaker” of your everlasting soul. Below is the application.

1. Name: _________________
2. Date: _________________
3. Social Security Number: _________________
4. DOB: _________________
5. What qualifications, if any, do you feel make you the best possible candidate for the position? _________________
6. Work History: (If you need a separate sheet of paper, attach it to the application.) _________________
7. Education: (If you need a separate sheet of paper, attach it to the application.) _________________
8. Within the last sixty (60) days, have you, or any members of your household received any form of government assistance? _________________
9. What is your favorite color? _________________
10. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If yes, please give details of the crime. (Do not include traffic violations.) _________________
11. Age of Holy Texts regarding you as a deity: _________________
12. Please list all (if any) miracles you have performed for the betterment of mankind: _________________
13. Are you a loving deity, or a deity with destructive tendencies? _________________
14. How many prophets do you have? Please list their names and the dates they served you: _________________
15. What is the meaning of life? No more than 250 words, please. (Please write on a separate sheet of paper.)

Please note that by filling out this application, you are in no way guaranteed a job. If we feel you are qualified, we will call you to set up an interview. Failure to appear for your interview automatically disqualifies you for the position.

I was thinking that it would be nice to have a discussion group for atheists, so I created a discussion mailing list, so we could all have a forum in which to discuss whatever it is we want to discuss. I don’t get to have many intelligent conversations, which is what prompted me to create this mailing list. You can sign up for the list by clicking on the “Discussion” tab at the top right of the page, or by clicking here.

There have been a few Christians commenting on my articles lately, so I’ve decided to implement a few rules for commenting. If you’ll look at the top of the page, you’ll notice a tab that says, “Rules.” These are the rules you must follow in order to comment on my site. If these rules are not followed, I’ll delete the comment. The rules are not that hard to follow. In fact, they’re pretty simple, really. Follow the rules, and I’ll let you say what you want. If you break just one of the four rules (well, three, really), I’ll delete your comment. Just giving you advance notice.

Have a nice day.

Why do Christians have to be so stupid? Why? Arguing with these fuckers is like arguing with a brick wall. I’m absolutely sick of these fuckers, setting up their little straw man arguments, trying to refute Science, when they’re completely unfamiliar with what they’re attempting to refute. You’d think that they’d at least pick up a few science texts and at least try to learn something of their opponent’s position before attempting to debunk anything. I have read the bible. I am probably more familiar with the bible than most Christians are. I’m not stepping into an argument blind. I know my facts. Christians just don’t care. But I suppose that’s obvious, really, because if they truly cared about facts, would they actually be Christians? They wouldn’t.

I’m tired of arguing with Christians. They’re stupid, and I just have to learn to accept that. But, as each day passes, I find myself wishing more and more for some sort of legislation that prevents these idiots from reproducing. People should have licenses to breed. I mean, you have to have a license to drive a car, but not to raise a child? Maybe I’m just crazy, but I think raising a child is a little more complicated than driving a fucking car. People should have to pass IQ tests, and a series of psychological evaluations. If they don’t pass all of them, they get neutered/spayed. I’m not suggesting we kill these morons, but we should at least kill their genitalia, so they don’t spread their poisonous genetic material, ensuring the need for psychiatric medications for everyone who has to deal with their tainted offspring for years to come. Also, it would be nice if we could just take the warning labels off everything. Let Social Darwinism fix the problem for us. If these idiots didn’t have society protecting them from themselves, they’d end up killing themselves off, and the world would be a much better place.

There should also be laws against indoctrinating children at such a young age. Children should never be allowed to attend church until the age of 18. Religion should be considered like tobacco. There should be signs on every church door that say, “The sale of religion to minors is prohibited under Federal Law.” Because children believe anything they’re told. That’s why the more stupid ones keep believing into adulthood, even in the face of scientific evidence that contradicts everything they believe. If they were given the chance to develop critical thinking skills before they’re indoctrinated, I’m pretty sure that the Christian population would die out almost immediately. Because no one in their right mind, no rational individual, would believe a word that stupid book of theirs says.

If you’ve been dying to know why my updates have been so sparse of late, it’s because I’ve been working on my second album, which is now up on the site. It’s not finished, but it’s a little less than half done. It took me an entire month to do these songs.

Also, my first album is officially for sale. Just go to Lulu.com and buy it, if you feel so inclined. You should support independent artists. Because if you don’t, people like Britney Spears and other talentless hacks will keep producing shitty music that sucks. If you don’t buy my album, I’ll know you have horrible taste in music.

That is all for now. More updates to come.

I was thinking that I should start writing about how shitty my day was, just so I’d have something to write about, but then I realized that no one really cares. I can’t even muster up the energy to care about how shitty my day was. That’s how pathetic it is. And besides, that’s been done too many times.

Then I had this awesome idea that I would start taking pictures of my bowel movements every day, and upload them to the site, but apparently that’s already been done too. I think just about everything has been done, and coming up with a new idea is pretty impossible for me.

Hopefully by the time I get done writing this stupid blog entry I’ll come up with a revolutionary new idea that will change the face of the internets forever. But that rarely, if ever, happens to me. Most of the time I’m pretty boring. Either that or I’m an incredibly rude asshole to the people I love the most. I always hurt the ones I love, usually with razors and baseball bats. Sometimes I get creative and use chemicals. But that’s only when I’m feeling particularly frisky.

I’d start video taping the goings-on of Kokomo, Indiana, except nothing ever happens in this stupid town. We have like 50,000 people in this town, and everyone knows everyone, and if you don’t know someone, chances are good that you know at least six people who do. I hate it. People are always peering through my windows. I don’t know how they do it. I live on the fucking third floor. But they’re always knocking on my windows, saying things like “It’s a beautiful, sun-shiny day! Come outside and play! We’re all gay! Hooray!” And then these bluebirds start flying everywhere, and there’s much chirping and singing. The weird thing is, it’s always backed up by an orchestra.

I’m starting to become suspicious of potted plants. It’s like they know something you don’t. Standing there, silently analyzing your every move. Such smug looks on their faces. Drives me mad. And I swear I’ve seen them moving about at night. Always whispering in hushed tones. I wonder what they’re up to…

Every time I look at my fingernails, I get pissed. It’s not fucking fair that cats get these super awesome claws, and I get these stupid dumb fingernails that couldn’t tear a hole in water. Well, I don’t think that’s possible anyway, but you know what I’m trying to say. Water is soft. My fingernails are lame. That’s the point I’m trying to get across here.

I’m going to save up a shit ton of money and get kitty claw implants. Then no one would dare fuck with me. And I bet them stupid fucking potted plants would shut their fucking traps if they knew what was good for ‘em. One look at my awe-inspiring kitty claws, and they’ll run for the hills. Or hop. Whatever their mode of transportation may be.

Kitty Claws!

I know the reason I started this website was because I wanted to express my atheism, and basically refute every Christian’s dearly-held beliefs and make them cry. But I found that I can’t really write that many articles about being an atheist. You can only write so many articles before you end up sounding like a broken record. Which is why I don’t really write that much about my disbelief in a god. I figured after the first three hundred or so times of reading about it, you’d all pretty much get the picture. So that is why this website is no longer going to be strictly about atheism. Of course, it really isn’t just all about atheism, but for some reason, any time I try to write an article, I keep putting it off because I’m out of things to say about atheism.

I should start doing more videos. But for some reason I can’t think of any ideas to make a video about, and the few ideas I do have require other people to be in them, and none of my lame friends will do a video with me because they’re camera shy. I told them I’d wear a rubber, but they still won’t be in my videos. That last sentence was a joke. Just to clarify for my more stupid readers. (I know you’re out there! Just looking out fo’ y’all.)

I know why I have writer’s block. I’ve put all my creative efforts into making my album. I’ve been writing songs like crazy the last few months, and I’ve even started on songs for my next album. But now I’m burned out. I have nothing left. I have to recharge or something.

I have no inspiration. It’s incredibly difficult to find inspiration for anything when you live in a town that has an average IQ of potato (8). What I need to do is move out of this shit-hole town. But I can’t until I graduate. Sigh. Sigh. SSSSiiiigggghhhh. Here’s a conversation that is happening in my head right at this very moment, between two people whom I know not at all.

“Do you think I’ll ever be happy?”
“No. I don’t think you’ll ever be happy.”
“And with whom am I speaking?”
“Your mom.”
“Oh, haha, very funny, mister!”
“Thanks, I pride myself on my ability to make other people laugh.”
“Well, you’re doing a real fine job.”
“And you, sir, are a real cunt.”
“Oh, touche, touche! Say, how would you like to meet me for lunch, say tomorrow around eleven-thirty?”
Oh, damn! I can’t! I have tea with the queen that day!”
“‘Tis a shame, truly ’tis. Oh well, ta-ta!”
“Au revoir!”
“AAAAH!”
“Oh dear, that is a large truck! Quite large. And it seems to be — Ahh, well. You seem to have a much more intimate understanding of what just happened than I do.”

Ahh! Truck!

Today’s topic: Sex Offenders and what should be done about them.

First of all, I would just like to express my undying, passionate hatred for child molesters and other sex offenders. I hate them with a passion unbridled. I would love nothing more than to see them kept alive on life support machines, and tortured repeatedly until the end of time. I’d do it myself, if I weren’t so afraid of going to jail.

I feel the laws should be changed. I believe that child molesters have what’s coming to them. We should be allowed to do whatever we want with them when they’re let out of prison. We should be able to harass them. We should be able to beat the shit out of them if we see them out in public. They’re the pieces of shit that hurt children. It is, in my opinion, our right to hurt them back. Ostracize them, torture, kill. Whatever people decide to do with them.

Somehow, it’s actually illegal to harass these pieces of shit. Can you believe that these assholes still have rights, even though they’ve done intense physical and psychological harm to children? They’re actually protected by the law! Come on! Surely I’m not the only person on Earth who thinks that there’s something wrong with that picture.

I understand why they have that law in place. Well, I think I do, anyway. Certainly not every child molester registers as they’re supposed to, and if vigilantes decide to take matters into their own hands, they could end up hurting an innocent person. That’s why each and every child molester should have a tattoo on their foreheads, so they’re easily identifiable.

If I had it my way, I’d go to every child molester’s house, round them up, stick them in a basement. I’d knock them all out, of course, then hook them up to life support machines and strap them down so they can’t move. Then I’d torture each and every one of them, for the rest of their lives. And I’ll keep them alive for many, many years. They will beg for death before too long, but I will not give it to them. I will force them to live for a long time, so they can get a taste of what they’ve done to the children they’ve harmed. I will make them regret ever being born. I will cut, and cut, and cut, and cut, and cut, and cut, and I will laugh madly with glee. I want to see the fear in their eyes, I want to make them cry, and beg for mercy. But of course, I don’t ever grant mercy.

We should write Congress, and have the laws changed. It’s not fair that these pieces of shit are protected by the law. Since when do these sick fucks have rights? As far as I’m concerned, they have absolutely NO rights. Fucking pieces of shit. It’s not fair that these pieces of shit can live their lives relatively normally, while the children they’ve harmed end up killing themselves or someone else. Their lives are ruined. The child molesters’ lives are not. How is this fair?

If I were to go on a child molester killing spree, do you think the cops would treat me like shit, or as someone who does a valuable public service? I’m hoping the latter, but expecting the former. That’s why when I find out I have three months left to live, I’m going on a killing spree. You can count on that. I will make these pieces of shit regret the day they were born. They will beg for mercy, they will beg for death.

I will kill each and every last one of them.

This is what I wish.

None of my friends or family or acquaintances know how I truly look at the world. It’s not pretty, I’ll tell you that. My outlook on everything tends to be incredibly bleak. But, then again, I have a plethora of “mental illnesses” that might contribute to my negative outlook. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, schizo-affective disorder, and social anxiety disorder, to name a few. I’ve been hospitalized over 20 times since the age of 16 for these illnesses. I don’t feel crazy. I feel quite sane, really, but then again, does the madman think himself insane? I don’t think so. Maybe I am crazy, and am just deluding myself into thinking nothing at all is wrong with me. I tend to blame the unfortunate and tragic events of my childhood for most of my mental illnesses.

What I see when I look at people are creatures that would stop at nothing to bring harm to me or someone I love if given the chance. I see people who care about nothing but their own desires, and will kill and torture to fulfill these desires. When I look at humans, this is what I see usually. But I don’t see every human like this. There are some people that I’m drawn to, and I can sense that they are decent people. Of course, I realize that these words sound as though they are coming from a madman, and perhaps they are.

I’m terrified of police officers, or any person in some position of authoritative power. I just know that they’d ruin my life and send me to jail on a whim, just because they were bored and needed to ruin someone’s life to lighten up their day. And yes, I am perfectly aware that this thought is indicative of typical paranoia brought on by schizophrenia. But I can’t stop having these thoughts.

I realize that I have all these irrational, paranoid, deluded thoughts, but I can do nothing to stop myself from having them. Fortunately for me, I have the cognitive power to analyze these thoughts and understand that they’re not based in rationality. I realize they’re “crazy” thoughts. Most of the time. Sometimes they’re so overwhelming I can’t handle it, and I end up in the hospital.

I hear voices as well. Sometimes I can make out distinct voices, sometimes it sounds like I’m in a crowded auditorium, and everyone is whispering at once. I don’t get voices telling me to do things. If I do hear anything, it’s usually things that make no sense. What really bothers me is when I’m reading a book, and I’ll see the words “kill yourself,” or “you should die,” or “get the gun,” and when I read over it again, those words aren’t there. Sometimes if I’m watching TV, it will seem as though the characters on the show are not only aware of my presence, but unhappy that I’m near them. I don’t watch much TV as a result.

I absolutely loathe public places. People make me incredibly nervous. I can’t stand Wal-Mart, and would rather eat the gun than spend a minute in that place. I can’t stand crowded places. Every human I come into contact with is potential death for me. And yes, I realize how paranoid these thoughts are, and how irrational they seem, but I can’t keep myself from having these thoughts.

Religion has had a lot to do with my neuroses, in my opinion. Every foster family I’ve ever lived with as a child was a fundamentalist Christian family, preaching nothing but hellfire and doom and gloom, and teaching us that we’re horrible beings deserving of this kind of treatment. So a lot of my negativity stems from my religious experiences.

I know that I’m not “normal” by any means, but I don’t know about crazy. I don’t feel crazy. In fact, I think I’m more grounded in reality than most Christians. But then again, I’ve had a lot of practice with analyzing irrational, delusional thoughts.

You wanna hear some fucked up shit? Read this article.

Have you read the article? You won’t understand how fucking angry I am right now until you do.

Have you read it? Well, fucking read it then!

Read it yet? Okay. Whatever.

An airplane crashed, killing a man’s family in the process. Horrible, tragic event, and for what it’s worth, he has my condolences. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Well, almost anyone. You see, this fucking bitch, Gingi Edmonds (by the way, what kind of fucking name is Gingi? Sounds like a horrible dental condition), wrote an article covering it, and you can just feel the smugness oozing out of that piece of shit article. She’s completely reveling in the fact that his family died in the accident. You see, he owns an abortion clinic, and that offends Gingi’s “Christian” sensibilities. So she kinda sees this as divine justice, rather than a tragedy. Anyone see the hypocrisy here? Allow me to point it out.

You see, bitches like Gingi Edmonds tend to be pro-life, against the removal of unborn fetuses. I hate to call it murder, because to me, murder is the act of killing a person, and fetuses aren’t people any more than a seed is a tree. But okay, I suppose I can respect that position. You don’t like the idea of an unborn fetus not having a chance to live. Sure, whatever. But then why is it that these same “pro-lifers” discard these beliefs and revel in the deaths of those who are party to abortion? Seems a bit hypocritical for “pro-lifers.”

You can’t have it both ways, asshole. If you’re okay with the deaths of actual living people, but not the deaths of unborn fetuses (who, by the way, are not functioning members of society, contribute nothing to society, have no personality, and no conscious awareness to speak of), you are a hypocrite of the highest order. You are not “pro-life”. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you are evil scum. You’re the actual murderers here, not them. Go fuck yourself. I hope your family dies. And yes, I can say that, because I’m not a pro-lifer, and therefore, it does not make me a hypocrite, like you, you slimy piece of shit of a human being. Fuck you, Gingi Edmonds. Shove your stupid piece of shit bible up your ass and suck on a tailpipe. Kill yourself, you stupid fucking cunt.