Jesus “Tap Dancing” Christ was born on the planet Xarquon XG IV, in the Andromeda Galaxy, 6000 standard Earth years ago. His father was addicted to “Qanthar,” a substance which acts much like Xanax on Earth, but way, way better. Like 100 times better. It makes heroin seem like a turkey sandwich in comparison. That’s how awesome Qanthar is. But anyway, Jesus “Tap Dancing” Christ’s father would beat him repeatedly. His father was not a nice man.

So Jesus said “Forgnal Shiv Greva Krin,” which translates roughly to “Fuck this shit” in English, and he decided to leave the galaxy. He had no adventures on his way to planet Earth, because most of the Universe is empty and devoid of life.

The Godfather of Modern Tap Dancing

At long last, after 4000 years of traveling, he reached planet Earth. The citizens of Earth at first welcomed Jesus with open arms, because he had the technology to heal the blind, and cure the sick and whatnot, but he started stepping all over the Jews’ beliefs, which ended badly, as the picture below shows:

Actual photo of Jesus' Crucifixion.

Jesus was placed into a tomb, where he lay dead for three days. After the third day, Jesus rose from the tomb, and hung out with everyone on Earth for like 40 days or something. That’s when he had what is thought of by the artistic community as “the most amazing, super-awesome idea ever!” His hypothesis was this: If one were to fashion some sandals, but attach something to the bottom of the sandals that makes a super awesome clicking noise, then one could enhance normal dancing by accompanying oneself acoustically! Everyone was like “Oh my God! Jesus, you’re super smart!”

So Jesus made his noisy sandals, and demonstrated them before an awe-struck crowd. “Ooooh!” cried out one member of the audience. “Ahhhh!” cried another. Everyone was like, super-amazed. “What should we call this newfangled dance thing?” screamed an audience member. Jesus stopped, and a hush fell over the crowd. “Tap Dancing.” Two words. Two words that went down in history, that is.

To this day, Jesus is still not credited as the original inventor of Tap Dancing, but to those of us in the know, he will always remain Jesus “Tap Dancing” Christ.

Helen Keller was born in Japan in 3032 BCE. She was a pirate, and had a cleft palate. Her closest friends would have described her as “a pretty fucking horrible cook, and a bitch to boot,” had she not eaten them for dinner one fateful night. She liked to knit on occasion.

In 1918, almost 5000 years later, she decided to join the army. She dressed up as a boy, but was rejected, because she had really big tits, you see, and you can’t really hide quadruple D size boobies. What an idiot. Well, after that, she decided to become a real estate agent, and made tens of dollars. She was finally living a normal life, one that she had always wanted, but she still felt unfulfilled. She felt unsatisfied. There was a void in her soul that appeared after she gave up her life of pirating and kicking ninja ass.

So she bought a yacht, and hired some mutant lesbians to run her ship. She went to Germany, hired a really smart scientist, and forced him to create for her a beverage which would give her the ability to move shit with her mind. He was all like, “That’s totally outside the realm of science! You’re entering the realm of fantasy now, har har har tee hee hee— ACK!” That was when she choked him and said “Make it, or I’ll murder your entire family and eat their brains, and shit down their throats, then cut them into pieces, piss on them, smear them in cow shit, put them in a box, mail them to you, then tie you up and force you to eat the remains while I shove toothpicks under your fingernails and set your pubic hair on fire!” He was all like, “Okay.”

Well, months passed, but finally, the long-awaited day arrived. The potion had been brewed. Helen Keller drank the potion, and suddenly became ill. “You’ve poisoned me!” screamed Helen Keller. “No, I didn’t. I forgot to mention that it might cause just a little bit of heartburn. Seriously. Nothing to worry about,” said the really super smart scientist. Helen Keller relaxed. Then she threw the super smart scientist against the wall with her mind. “It works,” she said, simply. “I can see,” said the super smart scientist. “Not anymore!” cried Helen, as she ripped his eyes out with her super amazing mind powers. “AHHHH!” screamed the not so super smart scientist, as she ate his brains.

Not long after the death of the really stupid scientist and the acquisition of the totally super amazing mind powers, Helen Keller decided to take over the world. It took her three hours, because she had all those mind powers and stuff. Her first rule as Ruler of Dark Lord Realm was to change the name of planet Earth to Dark Lord Realm. She claimed that the name made her giggle. In 2012 CE, her rule finally came to an end, when a particular nasty strain of the common cold wiped out the entire planet.