I'm Better Than You.

Just to let you all in on a little secret, I'm a vampire. That means I'm infinitely better than you'll ever be. Because vampires are so fucking kickass, and you're not, so go to hell or something. You'll never be as good as me, because I have super-human strength, and I have all these bad ass abilities that you could never hope to have in a million years. You're inferior. So there.

I'm 4,853 years old. I've been around almost since the beginning of civilization, which means I'm smarter than you, and I know more about history than you could ever dream. For instance, I was already 2,832 years old when Jesus was allegedly born. But I can tell you for a fact that Jesus wasn't real, because I was there. In fact, nothing was ever mentioned of this Jesus character until several decades after his alleged death. What a loser.

I have all kinds of super powers. For instance, I can totally hear someone taking a shit at a distance of 3.23 miles. I can move 502.3545336325 times faster than a cheetah, and I have the strength of approximately 402.34 men. And not pussy men, either. The kind that have muscles. That's how strong I am. For reals. Oh, and my IQ is at least 25.2456 times higher than Marilyn vos Savant's. That means you're brain dead compared to my vastly superior intellect.

I can't fly or anything, but I can jump. In fact, I can jump so high, it would make your head spin, if your head actually could spin independently of your body by 360 degrees without killing you. I've never actually measured the distance I can jump, but, at a rough estimate, I'd say I can jump approximately 3.6 miles off the ground! Beat that, you puny mortal! Oh wait, you can't, because you're inferior!

I can speak 12 different languages fluently, and I can move shit with my mind! Fuck yeah. It's fucking awesome. One of these days I'll have to do it on camera, but I don't like to provide proof of my abilities, because then the government would come knocking on my door, and they'd totally do experiments on me and shit. It wouldn't be fun. So, on second thought, I should probably never show proof of my awesome abilities.

I even have sharp teeth and shit. I drink blood, and sometimes I eat beef stew. I really happen to like mayonnaise, and I detest Miracle Whip, may it suffer an eternity in Hell's worst circle. I think it's like the 9th circle. I can't remember. It's been ages since I've read Dante's Divine Comedy. It was pretty fucking stupid, I remember that much at least, and for it being a "comedy," it's not very funny at all. In fact, it's kind of a downer. That motherfucker was high or something. Everyone knows that there's no such thing as Hell! Hahaha.

There was this one time I was walking along the beaches of France, and I was bombarded by all these Japanese dudes, and they were all like "Yo. We're gonna like fight you and stuff, with our awesome Karate and shit." And I was all like, "Bring it." So they brought it, and I totally kicked their asses. They were all like "We're so sorry! We didn't mean to offend you and junk!" And I was all like, "I'll accept your apology this time, but the next time, I'll rip off your fucking heads and drink all of your blood, then rape your mothers, then fuck your fathers in their eye sockets, and then kill all your friends and shit. Consider yourselves lucky, you fucking pricks." And they did. They even named a city after me. They call it Hiroshima or something. But that wasn't even my name. I don't know why they did that. Actually, I think that was just a dream I had. Whatever.

One time I got really bored and decided to take a nap, about 1,000 years ago. I slept for like 400 years, and all of a sudden, there was all this shit going on in Italy, and they were painting shit and stuff, and I bought a couple of the paintings. They were pretty. But extraordinarily religious. I didn't understand why they'd waste their talents painting imaginary characters from some stupid book, but whatever. I think the book was called Bibbia Santa, or something. It was a stupid book. I didn't like it at all.

If you're not convinced I'm better than you, then you should try jumping off a 40 story building, and see if you live. You see, I have these amazing regenerative properties, so I'm pretty much immortal. Wooden stakes don't work on me, neither does sunlight, though I will be the first to admit that the light from the sun doth bother mine eyes much. The only thing that can kill me is sitting through an entire episode of Friends. But don't tell anyone.

Oh, and if the Zombies decide to invade, I can eradicate them. But I charge for that service. The last time we had a Zombie infestation, the Roman Emperor, Marcus Otho Caesar Augustus, tried to get me to do it for free, and I was all like "Oh, fuck no, Mr. Emperor. You'll pay me at least three hundred gold coins for this service," and he was all like, "I'm the Emperor, and you'll do what I say." So I killed him. But I made it look like a suicide. What an asshole.