Stupid Bible.

The bible is stupid. It's incredibly stupid. People say it's the word of God, and that I have to read it and stuff, and that if I read it and believe, I'll go to heaven. But if I don't believe, I'll go to hell. Maybe it's just me, but it seems kinda mean, really. I mean, you're given the choice of giving up your critical thinking skills, or suffering a horrible, ghastly, gory torture for all eternity. Kind of extreme, wouldn't you say?

And how am I supposed to believe all these tales of burning bushes, water-to-wine, and feats of such incredulity, like turning five loaves of bread and two fish into enough food for hundreds upon hundreds of people, thus violating multiple laws of physics in the process? Seriously? Believe this shit or go to hell? If there is a hell, I think I'll take my chances there. Hell seems to be where all the intelligent people are located.

You'd think that if god wrote this book, he'd make everything a little easier to comprehend. The whole fucking book is filled with parables, riddles, and generally bad writing. If god is so powerful, you'd think he'd have at least managed to learn how to write a decent novel. Alas, the book is filled with nothing but incomprehensible bullshit. It's a book that's supposed to help us, as "god's children." It's supposed to help us get to heaven. But why would god write a book for the purpose of helping us, and then contradict himself every other chapter in every other book, and make the entire fucking thing impossible to understand?

Let me give you an analogy. Let's say you have a child. Let's say that child is about 3 years old. Let's say that you caught your child preparing to touch the hot stove. Most people would tell their children, "NO! Don't touch that!" Those are pretty straightforward, clear directions. You can't really interpret that any other way. Now, if a parent were to, instead, tell their child something like, "The Heat burns the skin of many. Tempt Him not, for it is written that the Heat is warm indeed." Do you really think the child would understand that? Do you think the three year old would heed that advice, and stay away from the stove? I don't think so. All I'm saying is that if god wants me to believe in this stupid bible, he's gotta be a little more clear. Maybe take a few writing classes or something. And if he really wants me to take him seriously, he has to have a basic understanding of modern scientific data. The bible claims that Pi is equal to 3, for fuck's sake!

The only conclusion I can reach is that the bible was, in fact, not written by god, but by fallible human beings. And god, if you're reading this, and would like to take credit for that horribly written, scientifically inaccurate piece of flaming shit many Christians consider to be a "guide to life", please feel free to email me. But if you did write it, I would never be able to be your friend, because you're a fucking idiot.