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So you wanna learn how to be a mindless, drooling, zombie consumer? Well, allow me to teach you the proper way to go about doing that. There are many important things you must take into consideration before becoming a mindless, drooling, zombie consumer. Ask yourself this question: "Am I a believer in the magical fairy tales of the Holy Bible?" If your answer to that question was "yes," then you are totally ready for some mindless, drooling, zombie consumer fun. * Don't trust signs! Don't trust signs at all. Everyone knows the reason signs are in place around stores is to lie about things. For instance, if the sign says that the price of your favorite beer, Natural Ice, is $10.99 for a 24 pack, make sure you ask the sales associate if the beer actually costs $10.99, because sales associates lie all the time. Same goes for "out of order" signs on bathroom doors. Make sure you verify that with a sales associate. Signs always lie. * Bring as many noisy, bratty, irritating abortion candidates as you can! You can't forget to bring all seven of your little mistakes into the store. Who else is going to trash the store beyond recognition, pollute the air with their stupid screams, and generally annoy the piss out of everyone around them? Make sure to buy your kids as much candy as you can possibly afford with the $3.84 that you have in your pocket. Not rewarding your children for their abhorrent behavior is tantamount to worshiping Satan himself! * Make sure to pay in pennies! You can't have an awesome shopping experience without paying for your items in pennies! Make sure to bring hundreds upon hundreds of pennies with you, and don't roll them! Sales associates just love counting pennies, and besides, it's part of their job. Don't forget to continue to let your children to run around the store, yelling, screaming, taking things off shelves and throwing them all over the floor. Sales associates just love cleaning up after your stupid, drooling kids. * No pennies? No problem! Pay with a check! So you don't have pennies? That's okay. That's what checks are for! Before you start writing your check though, make sure there are at least twelve people in line behind you. Then make sure to ask at least three times to whom you should write the check. Take your time. No one is ever in a hurry. If you hear people sighing and muttering things under their breath behind you, pay no heed. You're much too important to be bothered with common courtesy. * Be rude! You can never be too rude. Remember, the sales associate is not really a human being, and most likely is a satan worshiper. Call him names when he recites company policies and procedures. You can't let him get away with treating you like dirt! You're special! You deserve special treatment! People have to make exceptions for you, as a child of God. Don't let a mere sales clerk inconvenience you. Remember, the customer is always right. Follow these simple rules, and I guarantee you'll have a shopping experience to remember for years to come.
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