I Can Only See Out Of One Eye, Because My Hair Is Covering The Other.

Well, today I ate a picture of a cat taking a picture of another cat pooping in a litter box. I'm sure you're all just dying to know how it went. Well, to make a long story short, "The End."

I'm sorry. That was in poor taste. Probably the stupidest joke I've ever heard. And I wrote the fucking thing. I'm just not a very funny guy. Most people say that I'm the most boring person they've ever met. I just kinda sit there, nod my head, pretend I'm listening to people. Occasionally I might chuckle, but only if I hear them chuckling first. That's my cue to chuckle. I rely heavily on auditory cues when "communicating" with people. Makes people think I'm listening and finding what they say to be extremely interesting and/or funny, which is usually not the case. I find myself excusing myself to go to the bathroom more and more often. My feet bleed.

So this one time at band camp. Nah. Old. Really old.

I'll figure it out one of these days. If there are any comedians in the audience, email me and teach me how to be funny. No one likes me.

I was cutting myself the other day, (as I usually do when feeling particularly bored/depressed/pitiful) when I got an email from my landlord. He was all like, "It's trash day today, so don't park in the driveway. You'll get in the way of the trash trucks." I was all like, "Alright."

What the fuck was I talking about?

Oh yeah. So, back to the whole "I pretend to listen to people because I think I'm so much better than they are" thing. I like to say "Uh-huh" a lot. That also let's people know I'm listening. If I say "Uh-huh" with some conviction behind it, I'm usually able to convince whomever is talking to me that I'm totally digging what they are saying, and that I agree whole-heartedly and wish for them to continue speaking to me, which, I assure you, I usually do not. I wish I could be rude to people, but I'm a pussy. I don't like hurting people's feelings. I'm a sensitive soul. I don't like hurting people. That's why I take my frustrations out on myself, via razor-blades.

Thanks for listening.