Big Time Entertainment.

A company that goes by the name of Big Time Entertainment contacted me on my MySpace page a couple of days ago. As I read the email, I got really excited. At first. Below is the email:

Hey conceived,

i do booking for bigtime and im working on an all ages show at rooftop that i think your sound would fit well onto. its on 5/22, would yoube able to play that show?

i can get you all the info and stuff, just email me at my booking email account ind@bigtimeentertainment. net (i cant really do any booking through my myspace account, the myspace inbox is horrible to work in) didn't see an email address so i figured best to just msg you to get the ball rolling.

-amy

Aside from the obvious grammatical errors and misspellings, the company sounded great. So I emailed them back, as per the email they sent me (By the way, Conceived In Ashes, my band which is not really a band, is who she's addressing in the email.)

This is Ian, from Conceived In Ashes. I'd love to do a show, however, it's just two of us in the band, so we can't do live performances as of right now. We need more people in the band. We're from Kokomo, and it's very hard to find people who play instruments in this town.

Bobby, the only other member of my band, is out of town, and I have no idea where he is. So right now it's just me at the moment. If you wanted me to play solo, I could do that. I'm not sure if that would work for you or not...

I'm working on a solo album at the moment, if you'd like to hear it. I have two tracks recorded. You can listen to them on my website: http://www.angryhuman.com/radio/
if you're interested.

I'm really flattered that you've considered our band, but, as I said, the band is pretty much disbanded. It was more of a hobby really. But, if you'd like, I can perform solo at the event. If you'd like me to audition first, I can do that as well.

Thanks again!

--Ian

I was excited. Thoughts of fame and fortune clouded my thoughts. Just kidding. I know I'll never be rich and famous. But I can dream, can't I? Well, at this point, I was extremely curious about this Big Time Entertainment company, so I did some research, and found that, while legit, they are basically a scam. In order to get paid for the show, you have to pre-sell a minimum quota of tickets to the show, which sounds pretty sketchy to me. It's almost like Pay-to-Play. I shouldn't have to do all the work for them in order to get paid for my performance. Fuck that. The next day, "Amy" emailed me with a booking form. My answers to the questions in the form are in BOLD CAPS..

=============================================================
--BigTime Entertainment--INDIANAPOLIS Booking Form:
=============================================================
1. Please type the name of your Act below: IAN BUCHANAN

1b. How many members are in your act and will perform at our show? ONE (1) PERSON

2. We need a primary & secondary Phone Number from two different members in your band, preferably a cell phone number that your band will have with you when you go to play shows.
-Primary Cell Phone Number:(765) 997-1860
-Secondary Cell Phone Number: (765) ***-****

2b. Secondary E-mail Address: IAN@CONCEIVEDINASHES.COM

3. So that our booking staff can listen to your music whenever we are in the process of booking you for a show, we need a URL where your music can be streamed online: http://www.angryhuman.com/radio/

3a. Briefly Describe your music and / or any influences or bands you sound like: MY MUSIC IS THE BESTEST MUSIC ON THE PLANET. EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO HEAR MY MUSIC, BECAUSE I'M THE GREATEST. I'M SO AWESOME THAT I'D WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME IF I WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

4. It is important that you know that we are working hard for YOU. There are many costs to organizing a show that are often not considered. We want you to know exactly where your fans ticket buying dollar goes, so before moving on with the form completion, please review the BigTime Breakdown at this URL:

http://www.bigtimefeedback.com/breakdown

To indicate you have read the Breakdown site please type "YES" below: YES

4b. We want to be sure that we are the right fit for you. The last thing we want is for you to book onto a show that does not fit your needs, If you would like to be more informed about the different types of shows that are available to local artists see the following link:

http://www.bigtimeentertainment.org

5. We need each act to bring in at LEAST the number of people specified below for each Venue. This minimum draw requirement varies depending on the size and prestige of the venue. This requirement is vital to ensure that ALL of the acts on the bill can count the night a success and to ensure the long term survival and success of the venues, which provide a home in the INDIANAPOLIS Market not only for your band but also for your favorite local, regional, and national performers.
Acts that fail to bring their share of the crowd have not done their part to make the show a success. This is unfair to the artists who have worked hard to deliver a turnout to the show. BigTime believes that artists should SHARE fans--and not just play for everyone else's fans without contributing at all to the turnout. This can only be done if each act brings their share of the crowd.

**Taking this into account, can you guarantee your band will bring AT LEAST 30 people to come see you play at Rooftop--regardless of the night of the week or other acts on the bill? NO, I CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT I CAN BRING AT LEAST 30 PEOPLE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO SELL THE TICKETS. SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOING THAT?

SHOW SET UP:
The typical BigTime show consists of 5-6 local acts with 30 minute sets--(Though special accomodations can be made if needed). Also special shows--with longer sets, less bands, etc--will be available for acts who are reliable and are consistenly great to work with.

BAND ORDER:
Band Order will be determined the night of the show, click here for more information
http://www.bigtimeentertainment.net/bandorder

ARE THERE ANY FEES?
No. Artists never pay any fees to play a BigTime show, and no money ever comes out of any artist's pocket. We are proud to be able to provide our shows in this way. In essence, Artists book with us for free, Fans pay to see the show, and the acts are paid.
Some event production companies will ask bands to pay several hundred dollars deposit before they even show up for the show. We charge zero fees. Your band will never be asked to pay for unsold tickets, and you will never pay for our tickets. We do not allow artists to "purchase" their own tickets, if we ever catch wind of this we will address it, and stop it.

PAYMENT:
BigTime pays every artist who plays at one of our shows. This is something that sets us apart from battle of the bands companies. BigTime events are NEVER "Battle of the Bands." Our shows are not competitions. We focus instead on empowering our artists and bringing together our artists so that local music can flourish in the cities where we produce our events, and putting our artists on stage in front of a good crowd.

Your payment will be proportional to your draw for the night. For a full description of how your payment will be calculated, refer to the footnote on the following URL:
http://www.bigtimefeedback.com/breakdown

(payment information will also be provided every time you book a show)

5b. BigTime is here for you, and we want to accomodate our artists as much as we can! Everytime you bring out at least 30+ fans to see you play one of our shows, we'll be able to get you bonus payments and other cool perks the next show you play with us after that. Our goal is to be able to provide these special opportunities for each artist, and as you demonstrate consistent reliability, we'll be happy to do whatever we can. Please type "YES" to indicate you are aware of this. NO

6. Tickets in advance are $8.00 for Rooftop. The door admission is $10.00 for Rooftop.
Over the past 4 years, we have found that, without fail, acts that don’t pre-sell tickets have a MUCH lower attendance than acts that do, mainly because without pre-sold tickets most people that promise to attend fail to actually show up. The acts that consistently draw well on our shows are the acts that sell tickets to their fans in advance. These are the artists that BigTime consistently works with, and these are the acts that our Booking Directors frequently give bonus pay, longer sets, and other perks.
On the other hand, the acts that have drawn the least amount of people have relied heavily on their door draw and because of that they drew poorly. This is to say that consistently, our lowest drawing acts are the ones that choose to not sell tickets and instead just "hope" that their fans pay at the door night of show. Obviously, we are not able to work with these acts anymore, and the clubs we work with also choose to avoid re-booking those acts.

Our studies show that fans who pre-purchase a ticket are SEVEN times more likely to come to the event. The reason for this is because they have financially committed to the show and they become invested in your performance. If you have ever told a friend about a show to have them assure you that they will be there, then they end up not showing up to the show, you understand why selling the ticket to them is important! That face-to-face interaction also allows you connect with your fans. for more info on why we have our acts sell tickets, you can check out--http://www.bigtimeentertainment.net/whyselltickets

**Taking all of this into account, is your band willing to pre-sell tickets for a BigTime show to your friends and fans? WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SELL TICKETS? ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB? ARRGH!!!!!

BIGTIME ARTIST RESOURCES:
The BigTime Artist Resources are free for all artists, and are available to help you in your promotion efforts. These strategies, and the mindset taught within them, will help build your fan base quicker than by any other means. We strongly encourage you to study this site and discuss the content with the members of your group.
There is nothing more tragic than an artist that sits around waiting for their "lucky break." Choose goals that are valuable to you, LEARN what it will take to achieve them, and then put in the work. THAT is how consistently successful artists make thier own luck!

----- http://www.BigTime-Artist-Resources.com

Please take a moment to view this site, and know that we are working very hard to provide local musicians with the tools to succeed in this very difficult and unforgiving industry. (please type "COOL" to indicate that you have checked it out.) FUCKING AWESOME AND SHIT!

8. To give us an honest idea of how many people you know your band can for sure draw (whether it is higher or lower than the draw requirements listed for each venue in question #3), What is your act's average draw in the INDIANAPOLIS market for an ALL AGES show? LAST TIME I HAD AN ALL AGES SHOW, I WAS THROWN OUT OF THE CLUB, BECAUSE OF A SONG I DID THAT TALKED ABOUT KILLING HOMOSEXUALS. I GUESS SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

8b. What is your act's average draw in the INDIANAPOLIS market for a 21+ show? THREE PEOPLE. AND THEY ALL THREW BOTTLES AND CHAIRS AT ME. I GUESS NO ONE WILL EVER LIKE MY "KILL ALL THE FAGS!" SONG.

9. What city is your band based out of? (Indianapolis, Plainfield, Greenwood, etc.) KOKOMO, INDIANA

9b. How many minutes does it take your band to drive into INDIANAPOLIS? ABOUT 40 MINUTES
What about during rush hour? ABOUT 42.391 MINUTES

10. Based on the age demographic of your Fans, would you consider your band primarily a "BAR BAND," an "ALL AGES" Band, or equally "BOTH? I WOULD CONSIDER MY "BAND" TO BE A BAR BAND. I CAN'T PERFORM ON STAGE UNLESS THERE IS A READILY AVAILABLE AND WELL-STOCKED BAR WITH WHICH TO PURCHASE DRINKS. ALL THE GREAT BANDS PERFORM AT THEIR BEST WHEN THEY'RE FUCKED-IN-HALF DRUNK.

10b. How did you hear about BigTime Entertainment? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOUR COMPANY BEFORE. YOU PEOPLE CONTACTED ME ON MY MYSPACE PAGE. AND IF YOU LIKED MY MUSIC SO MUCH, WHY IS IT YOU'RE ASKING ME WHERE MY MUSIC IS LOCATED? DID YOU NOT READ THE PREVIOUS EMAIL I SENT? DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO THE MUSIC ON MY MYSPACE PAGE? DIDN'T THINK SO...

YOU CAN CHOOSE WHO YOU PLAY WITH:
11. Do you know any bands in the HOUSTON market that are interested in playing more often OR do you know any bands in the area that want to play a show with your group? If so, please list their name and E-mail address below and we would be happy to contact them with a Booking Form. You can also have those bands E-mail us a Booking Form Request. I'M FROM INDIANA. WHY WOULD I KNOW ANY BANDS FROM THE HOUSTON AREA?

This is the easiest way to get onto shows with artists you like playing with. If they fill out a Booking Form, we have no problem getting them on a show with you!

Sorry, Big Time Entertainment. I'm not interested. I can just go and book my own shows for all the work I have to do to get one through you guys. And I'd be able to keep all the money I earned. You're not going to leach off of my hard work, no sir! You can go to hell. Thanks.