So I was out in public just this afternoon, when someone’s snot-nosed little mistake walked up to me and said, “You’re gay!” I was quite taken aback, and very displeased with this child and her parents, who, by the way, were nowhere in sight. So I told her, “Yep, sure am, and there’s no Santa Claus either. Have a wonderful day.” She started crying, and I was pleased. My good deed for the day was done.

I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to spread the awareness of the non-existence of Santa Claus to children all over this great country of ours. I mean, when I learned that there was no Santa Claus, I was like, “Sweet! Now I don’t have to worry about being a good boy anymore! I can do whatever I want and I’ll still get presents!” It’s the most liberating feeling ever. So I spent my post-Santa days beating up children and ruining their lives. I still got my presents, and everyone was happy. And by everyone, I mean me.

Though I will admit that once I learned that Santa wasn’t real, I was kinda sad. I mean, I had grown up believing that he was watching me for all those years, making sure I was a good kid, all in the hopes of getting presents. I was so sad to learn that I didn’t even need to be a good kid, and that Santa hadn’t been watching me after all! I felt like such an idiot. But now that I know there’s no Santa, I just do whatever I want. I mean, it’s not like I’ll never get presents for Christmas anymore, you know?

So spread the word! Kids don’t need to be good anymore, because Santa isn’t even real!

Teen heartthrob Corey Haim died today at the age of 38. Yawn.

What, you were expecting an article about how awesome he was?

I can’t be bothered. Have a great day!

My friend Scott does drag at bars throughout Indiana, and this last Saturday I went up to see him perform in South Bend, along with some other performers. He’s a fantastic performer. His drag name used to be Iva Thunderpussy, but apparently someone in South Bend stole that name from him, so he changed it to Nova China. I’ve only included his performances during the show, because if I were to include every single performer in the video, it would be nearly 90 minutes long. I’ve shortened it down to about 18 minutes or so. Enjoy.

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