You wanna hear some fucked up shit? Read this article.

Have you read the article? You won’t understand how fucking angry I am right now until you do.

Have you read it? Well, fucking read it then!

Read it yet? Okay. Whatever.

An airplane crashed, killing a man’s family in the process. Horrible, tragic event, and for what it’s worth, he has my condolences. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Well, almost anyone. You see, this fucking bitch, Gingi Edmonds (by the way, what kind of fucking name is Gingi? Sounds like a horrible dental condition), wrote an article covering it, and you can just feel the smugness oozing out of that piece of shit article. She’s completely reveling in the fact that his family died in the accident. You see, he owns an abortion clinic, and that offends Gingi’s “Christian” sensibilities. So she kinda sees this as divine justice, rather than a tragedy. Anyone see the hypocrisy here? Allow me to point it out.

You see, bitches like Gingi Edmonds tend to be pro-life, against the removal of unborn fetuses. I hate to call it murder, because to me, murder is the act of killing a person, and fetuses aren’t people any more than a seed is a tree. But okay, I suppose I can respect that position. You don’t like the idea of an unborn fetus not having a chance to live. Sure, whatever. But then why is it that these same “pro-lifers” discard these beliefs and revel in the deaths of those who are party to abortion? Seems a bit hypocritical for “pro-lifers.”

You can’t have it both ways, asshole. If you’re okay with the deaths of actual living people, but not the deaths of unborn fetuses (who, by the way, are not functioning members of society, contribute nothing to society, have no personality, and no conscious awareness to speak of), you are a hypocrite of the highest order. You are not “pro-life”. In fact, I’d go so far as to say you are evil scum. You’re the actual murderers here, not them. Go fuck yourself. I hope your family dies. And yes, I can say that, because I’m not a pro-lifer, and therefore, it does not make me a hypocrite, like you, you slimy piece of shit of a human being. Fuck you, Gingi Edmonds. Shove your stupid piece of shit bible up your ass and suck on a tailpipe. Kill yourself, you stupid fucking cunt.

I know my updates have been sparse lately, but that’s because I’ve been working on new songs for my album. I just haven’t announced that they were up. But now you know. So go check out my album. It’s awesome, if I must say so myself. Plus, all my friends agree that it’s awesome. The first three tracks, I think, are destined for B-side greatness, so I’m hesitant to say that my album is complete. But it’s close enough. I’ll probably write three or four more songs, get rid of the first three, and call it done. It takes forever to record songs though, so it might be another three or four months before I completely finish the album.

I realize I haven’t done much with my live radio show either, but that’s because I can’t find guests, or the time to do a show. But I promise as soon as I find the time and guests to do a live show, you’ll be the first to hear about it.

Just bear with me for now. I promise that there will be more content in the future. I’ve just been really busy lately. Chill the fuck out.

5. Make Clothing!

Plastic bags are cheap, and easy to acquire. In fact, some places will just give you a plastic bag for free! For the fashion forward among you, take advantage of this! Need some new clothes but just don’t have the money to buy them because you spend all your money on weed, and your baby’s momma is totally taking you to court for child support, and your grandpa died, leaving you to pay for his funeral costs, and you just found out you have herpes and need to see a doctor right away? Then this is the perfect solution. Take a bunch of plastic bags and sew yourself a bitchin’ ass new outfit. Plus, the homeless chicks dig it.

The incredibly fashionable plastic bag.

4. Trash bags!

Ran out of trash bags? Can’t afford to buy new ones because you have no job, and all your worldly possessions were stolen because you were drunk one crazy night after drinking eight shots of tequila and three cases of beer, and called your boss on the phone and told him that you thought he was a “total fucking moron” and that he needs to “grow a fucking pair of balls and come out of the closet already”, and in the process, you forgot to lock your door upon entering, thus leaving your home vulnerable to thieves? Just use plastic bags as trash bags. Not that you’ll have any trash, because you’re broke, and can’t afford to buy anything that would need to be disposed of anyway, loser.

The Trash Bag Alternative

3. Control the Animal Population!

I don’t think I need to explain this any further, but my readers are notoriously stupid, so I’ll elaborate. Take a plastic bag, and leave it out in a heavily populated animal area, such as a public park. The idea is to get them to choke on the plastic bags and die, thus preventing the animal population from getting out of control. I’d show a picture of this in action, but, as I said before, my readers are notoriously stupid and can’t take a joke. Why so serious? WHY SO SERIOUS?!

2. Kill Children!

Um, yeah. I’ll touch on this for a moment. It’s kinda like #3, except with children instead of animals. I felt I needed to explain this to my more stupid readers (not that any of you are smart or anything; some are just smarter than others, but that isn’t saying much, especially since the mean IQ is roughly equivalent to your average potato, as illustrated in the graph below).

A comparison of IQs

1. Purses!

This one is more for homeless, schizophrenic drag queens than anything else. I think it’s rather self-explanatory, but because you’re all rather on the stupid side, I’ll elaborate. Plastic bag. Put handles on arms. Stick shit in bag. Voila.

5. Rob a Bank.

If I could turn into anything I could conceivably come up with, I’d totally turn into a Velociraptor and rob a bank. What are they going to do? Look for a Velociraptor and send him to jail? Hardly. Velociraptors are experts in the arts of killing and maiming. And they make really awesome thieves. In fact, that’s what their name means. And besides, I’d just run back to my house and shape shift back to myself. I wouldn’t be a suspect at all. No one would be a suspect, except for a certain prehistoric creature from the Cretaceous Period. I would totally spend all that money on drugs.

4. Shape Shift Into Someone I Hate.

There are many people I hate, and if I had the ability to shape shift, I’d totally turn into one of those people and do horrible, horrible things to ruin their reputation. For instance, I’d totally turn into George W. Bush and start speaking like an incoherent schizophrenic to everyone I met, so they’d think he was really stupid.

3. Become a Super Villain!

Since there is a shortage of super heroes in the world, what better time to start taking over the world? I’d turn into a giant talking meteor with rockets attached to it, hurl myself up into space, only to come crashing down towards Earth, and demand that $1,000,000,000.32 be given to me in unmarked twenties, quarters, nickles and pennies, or the Earth gets it. Then, when they have the money, I’d totally turn into a giant, gelatinous, sponge-like substance, consume the money via osmosis, then roll on down the street to my crib, with lots of money. I’d do this at least once a month.

2. Scare Children!

I hate kids. They’re annoying, snot-nosed little shits that need to just shut the fuck up for ten seconds before I grab a knife and start cutting people up. That’s why, when I acquire my new Shape Shifting Powers, I’d dedicate a large amount of my time to scaring those little shits. I’d turn into the most scary thing I could think of, and I’d jump out from behind a bush and scream loudly. If they don’t die of sheer fright, they’ll at least shit their britches, and I’ll have something to laugh about, at any rate.

Fucking Scary.

1. Send People To The Loony Bin!

This would be really fun. There’s just so much you can do with this power! I’d find someone I hate, go to his house, and turn into a blade of grass in his front lawn. Then, whenever I saw him, I’d yell his name. He’d be confused, wondering where the voice is, not suspecting that it is actually his worst enemy posing as a blade of grass in his front lawn. Then I’d start telling him that I was Satan, and that I wanted his soul. He’d want me to prove it of course, so I’d tell him a little bit about himself. Obviously, this isn’t going to prove to him at all that I’m Satan, and that’s when I change from a blade of grass into the Dark One himself! He’d probably shit himself and go loony bonkers. I’d laugh and laugh.

My friends and I went on an incredible adventure, to see the World’s Largest Ball of Paint, in Alexandria, Indiana. Our goal is to eventually see every tourist attraction in Indiana, and maybe the surrounding states. I’ll be bringing my camera with me and recording it all.

A couple of years ago, I saw a video clip in which Tom Green went to see the Ball of Paint, and decided that I was going to go see it too. Well, two years later, I’ve finally accomplished it. Not only did I get to see the World’s Largest Ball of Paint, but I also got to paint it! The proprietor was incredibly nice, and he even held my video camera for me.

Oh, and Andrea, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you’re in the video. I couldn’t edit you completely out of the video. I’m sorry.

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