I have magical powers! I was visited by Thor, the Thunder God, the other night, and he was all like, “Hey kid, you want some magical powers, and I was all like “Hell yes!” So he gave me the ability to control lightning and shit. It’s so awesome. I know some of you are a bit skeptical, so to prove that I really do have magical powers, I made a video!

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Well, I was at the store the other day, and I was punched in the face by this really obese man. Because I’m a man, and not a bitch, I felt compelled to confront him. “What the fuck did you do that for, you fat piece of shit?” I exclaimed. “Uh… Sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,” he said, in the stupidest tone of voice imaginable. So I grabbed him by his shirt, and pulled him close, and I could practically smell the stupid on his breath as I said, “Well, you can expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions!”

So I bent him over, and started ramming my boot up his ass (I wear steel-toe boots, because that’s what real men wear). He started screaming, and that’s when I decided to rip his asshole with a pair of scissors that just so happened to be lying on the floor within reach. As I was cutting up the fat bastard’s butt hole, I started thinking of this really funny episode of Family Guy, and couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud.

Well, the fatass is getting his ass cut up with a pair of scissors, I’m laughing out loud, and I’m sure you can imagine the kinds of looks I got from passersby. Some people were all like “You can’t laugh while cutting someone a new asshole! How rude!” I was just like “Whatever, douchebag.” That’s when I got an idea.

I turned the fatass around, and I told him that we were going to play a game, kinda like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” except instead of the prize being $1,000,000, the prize was going to be being able to keep all of his limbs. I explained the rules to him. I ask questions, he gets three lifelines. If he answers all the questions correctly, he gets to keep his legs. If not, well, he gets all his legs cut off (I swear he had like three).

“That’s not fair! What kind of shit is—” he tried to exclaim, before I cut off his air supply. “Alright, mister, you’re asking for it now!” That’s when I decided not to play the game, and instead, shit in his mouth. “Where’s your god now? Huh? Where’s your god now?” I screamed at him. “Mmmph-argh-ick-barf!!!!” he screamed right back. “Fuck you! Your mother’s a whore!” I screamed in retaliation.

At this point I was bored with him, so I decided to do what I came to the store to do in the first place. Buy some peanut butter and jelly. The rest of the day went a little smoother. I was happy as a peach.