Helen Keller was born in Japan in 3032 BCE. She was a pirate, and had a cleft palate. Her closest friends would have described her as “a pretty fucking horrible cook, and a bitch to boot,” had she not eaten them for dinner one fateful night. She liked to knit on occasion.

In 1918, almost 5000 years later, she decided to join the army. She dressed up as a boy, but was rejected, because she had really big tits, you see, and you can’t really hide quadruple D size boobies. What an idiot. Well, after that, she decided to become a real estate agent, and made tens of dollars. She was finally living a normal life, one that she had always wanted, but she still felt unfulfilled. She felt unsatisfied. There was a void in her soul that appeared after she gave up her life of pirating and kicking ninja ass.

So she bought a yacht, and hired some mutant lesbians to run her ship. She went to Germany, hired a really smart scientist, and forced him to create for her a beverage which would give her the ability to move shit with her mind. He was all like, “That’s totally outside the realm of science! You’re entering the realm of fantasy now, har har har tee hee hee— ACK!” That was when she choked him and said “Make it, or I’ll murder your entire family and eat their brains, and shit down their throats, then cut them into pieces, piss on them, smear them in cow shit, put them in a box, mail them to you, then tie you up and force you to eat the remains while I shove toothpicks under your fingernails and set your pubic hair on fire!” He was all like, “Okay.”

Well, months passed, but finally, the long-awaited day arrived. The potion had been brewed. Helen Keller drank the potion, and suddenly became ill. “You’ve poisoned me!” screamed Helen Keller. “No, I didn’t. I forgot to mention that it might cause just a little bit of heartburn. Seriously. Nothing to worry about,” said the really super smart scientist. Helen Keller relaxed. Then she threw the super smart scientist against the wall with her mind. “It works,” she said, simply. “I can see,” said the super smart scientist. “Not anymore!” cried Helen, as she ripped his eyes out with her super amazing mind powers. “AHHHH!” screamed the not so super smart scientist, as she ate his brains.

Not long after the death of the really stupid scientist and the acquisition of the totally super amazing mind powers, Helen Keller decided to take over the world. It took her three hours, because she had all those mind powers and stuff. Her first rule as Ruler of Dark Lord Realm was to change the name of planet Earth to Dark Lord Realm. She claimed that the name made her giggle. In 2012 CE, her rule finally came to an end, when a particular nasty strain of the common cold wiped out the entire planet.