I want to be a Super Villain. I’d so totally pwn the world with my 1337 5|<1|_|_5. You have no idea. I even have the costume designed and everything! You ready for this? Prepare to meet Xarquon The Centaur!

Xarquon, The Centaur

I know what you’re thinking. “Ian, this rocks, but does Xarquon have any special powers?” Well, of course he does! You know what he can do? He can fist fuck your grandmother while eating a turkey sandwich. That’s pretty fucking impressive. Not only that, but he can shoot lasers out of his eyes.

OMG! Lazers! ROFL!

You know what I’d do if I had the incredible abilities of Xarquon the Centaur? I’d totally fly to England, just so I could see if I could get a reaction out of the Queen’s guards. I hear that they never move, or react in any way. I’ve always been suspicious of that… Just as bad as mimes, if you ask me. It’s unnatural.

I’d go to restaurants and demand that they give me free french fries. Who’s going to say no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his eyes? Nobody. That’s who. And fuck you if you think you would say no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his eyes. You’re just saying that in the hopes that you sound cool to all of your peers. Nobody says no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his fucking eyes.

Oh, and I know that this is completely and utterly unrelated to the above topic, however, I just felt compelled to enlighten my audience to the revelation I’ve just had ten seconds ago. If you look at the word “eyes” from the point of view of an advertising executive, you get the word “e-yes.” I think that after I invent the “e-yes,” I’ll begin work on the development of the “e-no,” which, while similar sounding in name, is completely unrelated to the much maligned “emo” subculture, which is hardly a subculture at all, and I find myself unable to make that statement with a straight face.

I just totally lost my train of thought. Fuck this. I’m eating a sandwich.