I was using Stumbleupon today, which just so happens to be my favorite Firefox plugin, because I’m lazy, when I discovered a website even more popular than mine. Not like my website is very popular or anything, so it comes as no surprise that there are websites out there more popular than mine. But upon reading the website, I was shocked to discover this:

“I spent the next couple of months searching the Internet with a team of professionals to discover what type of floor covering information was on the Internet and how it was presented to consumers and floor industry professionals. It soon became clear that there was a large void on the Internet in terms of unbiased, free information - in one central place - for flooring consumers and professionals. In order to find substantial and accurate information, one had to go through dozens of sites - and oftentimes these sites provided conflicting information!”

This website is more popular than mine, and it’s incredibly boring. I mean, seriously? People are more interested in some asshole’s stupid blog about finding floors? I find that ridiculously hard to believe. I can’t be that boring. No, not at all. I think it’s the rest of the world that’s boring. I mean, how many people seriously sit down and think about floors for several hours? What the fuck?

I thought that maybe it was a joke website, because I refuse to believe that the website is more popular than mine when all it talks about is finding floors for people. I mean, he searched the internet with “a team of professionals?” Really? There are professional search engine users? People get paid to search Google now? You mean that there are people who go to college and major in “Search Engine Utilization?” Come on!

My self-esteem is ruined now. Apparently floors are more interesting than my website. I don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry. I think I’m just going to go and eat some ice cream and watch Lifetime for a bit.

Some of you don’t know who Judah Friedlander is. That’s because you’re incredibly stupid. For those of you who do know who Judah Friedlander is, then you’ll agree with me when I say he is a god among men. Chuck Norris ain’t got nothing on Mr. Friedlander.

The God, Judah Friedlander

As you can see from the above picture, Judah Friedlander is a testament to manhood. Everything about him screams “awesome.” One time, Chuck Norris was standing behind Judah Friedlander in line at the BMV, and Chuck Norris was getting impatient and tried to cut in front of Judah Friedlander, underestimating him because of his glasses. Well, needless to say, Judah wasn’t very happy about that, so he told a joke that was so funny, Chuck Norris pissed himself, thus negating all the manly things that have been said about Chuck Norris since the dawn of time. Chuck Norris is now Judah Friedlander’s disciple. He follows him everywhere.

There was this other time when he was playing a writer on the show “30 Rock” and he told a joke that was so funny, it made me laugh. For those of you who know me, I rarely laugh, and even then, only at funerals. So for Judah Friedlander to make me laugh outside of a funeral says a lot.

Judah Friedlander invented humor, a fact that, sadly, is overlooked by most scientists. He also invented peanut butter, which is delicious when eaten with toasted bread and jelly. In fact, if it weren’t for the sole efforts of Judah Friedlander, society as we know it would not exist. Judah Friedlander invented society. Actually, I think he also invented people. That’s how awesome Judah Friedlander is.

Judah Friedlander is god. You know how in the bible it talks about god and crap? Well, they’re referring to Judah Friedlander. It might say Jesus, but that’s actually Aramaic for Judah Friedlander. Judah Friedlander has existed for millions of years, a fact that, sadly, is overlooked by most scientists.

Oh, and if you feel compelled to write a comment telling me how stupid you think this article is, Judah Friedlander will send you to hell and laugh and laugh and laugh.

If I were given the opportunity to have just one, and only one, magical power, I would choose shape-shifting. I would have to clarify by saying “the ability to shape-shift at will, and to shape-shift whatever objects are in my possession as well.” I don’t want to change back to myself and find myself naked. That’s all I’m saying.

This power would be so awesome, because if I ever wanted to hide from someone, I could turn into a rock, or a speck of dust, or a cat, or anything I felt like changing into at the time. It would allow me so much freedom. Also, I wouldn’t ever have to work, because I could always turn myself into an animal and steal groceries. What are they gonna do? Arrest a dog? I don’t think so.

The main thing I’m interested in, however, is hiding from people. I hate being around people, and I greatly value any amount of alone-time that I get. I love being alone. I’ve always been a loner. I was that weird, artistic kid in school that everyone avoided because he ate paste from time to time, all because he was curious to know what it would be like to be an alien from planet Xarquon XG-12 who could only eat paste. Yes, I think of things like this. No, they don’t make a bit of sense.

I want to hide from people because they frighten me. I’m afraid of people, because they’re stupid. Stupid people, especially when in large groups, are incredibly dangerous. I don’t like to be around danger, so I tend to avoid it like the plague. Which is why I avoid people. Most of them are stupid. They believe that a magical man in the sky is watching everything they do, and if they fuck up, they’ll go to hell. What scares me about that is that they’re only being good because they fear some sort of eternal retribution from said magical man in the sky. Whatever happened to being good for goodness’ sake?

People who know me think that I hate the world, and that I hate everyone in it. This is not true. I’d say I’m scared of everyone in it. I’m afraid of them. Because they do not know how to think. These people scare me because they’re actually excited about the Apocalypse. They’re actually looking forward to it. I might talk about killing myself from time to time, but I’m nowhere near as morbid as these freaks. And people think I’m the weird one?

I feel as if I’m one of the only sane people left on this planet. I feel like I’m in some extraordinarily strange dream, that none of what I see on a daily basis can be real. I keep wanting to wake up, but can’t. I’m trapped in a nightmare. This is why I want the ability to shape-shift. It would allow me to hide, to stick my head into the proverbial sand, if you will. I just want it all to go away.

On Thursday, January 22, 2009, AngryHuman Radio Live will be back with another installment, so mark your calendars and make sure your life is revolving around my schedule! I’ll be doing the live show around 5:00 p.m. EST. Some highlights include: Me talking. That’s about it. Unless I can get a guest to come on the show, which is unlikely.

In other news, I’m working on an awesome video, so be patient. Great things take great time. So shut the fuck up.

Keep coming back. You’re in the right place.

Anybody can do abstract art. Seriously. It’s really easy. Yet some of these abstract paintings will sell for thousands of dollars, sometimes even millions, to gullible, easily manipulated rich people. Well, just to prove my point, I went to a website, called This Is Sand, and made an “abstract painting” with nothing but digital sand.

My Abstract Painting

It seriously is this easy. I’m not an artist at all. In fact, you couldn’t get me to draw stick figures if my life depended on it, but somehow, I managed to do this “painting.” That’s because “abstract” art requires no talent at all. You don’t even need an idea for your painting. I didn’t plan any of that shit out. Just kinda “painted” it as I went along. And it turned out magnificent, if I must say so myself. The painting exposes the dichotomy that exists between male and female, nature and technology. It symbolizes the pain that is felt between the four groups, as they’re ripped apart by the tug-of-war that consumes us all. Or something like that. I totally made that shit up. And you probably believed it. Hahaha.

So, the next time you decide to buy a piece of “abstract” art, remember that you’re wasting your money, because even I, with no artistic ability whatsoever, was able to paint some abstract art.

I have magical powers! I was visited by Thor, the Thunder God, the other night, and he was all like, “Hey kid, you want some magical powers, and I was all like “Hell yes!” So he gave me the ability to control lightning and shit. It’s so awesome. I know some of you are a bit skeptical, so to prove that I really do have magical powers, I made a video!

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

Well, I was at the store the other day, and I was punched in the face by this really obese man. Because I’m a man, and not a bitch, I felt compelled to confront him. “What the fuck did you do that for, you fat piece of shit?” I exclaimed. “Uh… Sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,” he said, in the stupidest tone of voice imaginable. So I grabbed him by his shirt, and pulled him close, and I could practically smell the stupid on his breath as I said, “Well, you can expect an ass-kicking of epic proportions!”

So I bent him over, and started ramming my boot up his ass (I wear steel-toe boots, because that’s what real men wear). He started screaming, and that’s when I decided to rip his asshole with a pair of scissors that just so happened to be lying on the floor within reach. As I was cutting up the fat bastard’s butt hole, I started thinking of this really funny episode of Family Guy, and couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud.

Well, the fatass is getting his ass cut up with a pair of scissors, I’m laughing out loud, and I’m sure you can imagine the kinds of looks I got from passersby. Some people were all like “You can’t laugh while cutting someone a new asshole! How rude!” I was just like “Whatever, douchebag.” That’s when I got an idea.

I turned the fatass around, and I told him that we were going to play a game, kinda like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” except instead of the prize being $1,000,000, the prize was going to be being able to keep all of his limbs. I explained the rules to him. I ask questions, he gets three lifelines. If he answers all the questions correctly, he gets to keep his legs. If not, well, he gets all his legs cut off (I swear he had like three).

“That’s not fair! What kind of shit is—” he tried to exclaim, before I cut off his air supply. “Alright, mister, you’re asking for it now!” That’s when I decided not to play the game, and instead, shit in his mouth. “Where’s your god now? Huh? Where’s your god now?” I screamed at him. “Mmmph-argh-ick-barf!!!!” he screamed right back. “Fuck you! Your mother’s a whore!” I screamed in retaliation.

At this point I was bored with him, so I decided to do what I came to the store to do in the first place. Buy some peanut butter and jelly. The rest of the day went a little smoother. I was happy as a peach.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve been thinking mostly about religion, and the way that it’s propagated throughout society, and I believe I’ve come up with a relevant, logical answer to this question. How is it that religious propaganda is transmitted to others, despite the fact that scientific evidence disproves every claim that the religion in question asserts?

Think of it this way… You go to a show. You hear a new band, that no one has really heard before. You tell everyone you know about this band that you love so much. Your friends may or may not like the band, but whether they like the band or not, they spread the message to everyone they know, because they think it’s stylish to like this band.

Well, the band eventually has enough followers that they become mainstream. You hear them everywhere, on the radio, on television. You can’t escape them. They are now a household name. There will be some people who hate them, but are afraid to denounce them publicly, because they have an overwhelming desire to “fit in.” Then there are those who love them, and aren’t afraid to proclaim their love for this band publicly. Then there are the people who see the band for what they truly are, and are not ashamed to denounce them publicly. The band I’m thinking of is Nickelback. The religion I’m referring to, of course, is Christianity.

Nickelback is probably the worst band ever. Seriously. They suck. Christianity is probably the worst religion ever (of course, my opinion is quite biased, living in a Christian society). People who hate them (Nickelback) but are afraid to say so, are Christians. People who love them and aren’t afraid to say so are also Christians. People who see them for what they truly are, are atheists. (Note for my more stupid readers: This is all metaphor.)

I’m sure most atheists have failed when trying to de-convert Christians. This is because they’re such die-hard fans of Christianity that they’d never even consider denouncing their faith. I’m sure that at least 3,203 of my readers have encountered fans of (insert shitty band name here) Nickelback, and have tried to convince them that they have horrible taste in music, but failed. This is because these people are such die-hard fans of Nickelback, that they would never even consider hating them. People are sheep. They are afraid to differ from the accepted norm. Unfortunately for the more intelligent among us, the accepted norm is belief in magical, bronze-age fairy tales.

The point of this article is that you can’t convince stupid people that they’re wrong, because you’re smarter than they are, (unless you’re one of my readers) and they don’t understand intelligent arguments. The reason we can’t convince people that Nickelback is a shitty band is the same reason we can’t convince Christians that their religion is incredibly dumb.

Q.E.D.

Before we discuss anything, watch this video, and be amazed by the impeccable logic of these Christians. This is exactly the sort of thing I’d expect coming from Fox, though.

As you can see, the irony is completely and utterly lost on her. She just doesn’t get the point that the atheist sign owner was trying to get across. I’m sure that this point would be pretty obvious to most people, except for my readers, who, as I know, are all pretty stupid; definitely not smart enough to understand my subtle sarcasm. A sign was stolen by Christians offended by the sign an atheist posted. In response to the theft, the atheist posted a sign that sported a slogan from the Christians’ very own book! “Thou Shalt Not Steal.” Genius, I think. I certainly understand it.

But she says this: “So use… one of the Ten Commandments to prove your point that you’re an atheist? That’s a complete insult.” Huh? What the fuck?

I’m utterly flabbergasted at the blatant stupidity in that remark. I mean, seriously? You don’t get it? He’s turning your rules back on you! You, the people who believe in that book, the Bible, who allegedly take these rules seriously, especially THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! Fuck! Are you really that stupid? Jesus Christ!

Oh, and of course, let’s not forget the most racist of all statements: “…some of my best friends are atheists.” Which is funny, because she was saying that atheists are “trying to get their 15 minutes of fame” and that they “can’t leave well enough alone” and that they’re having “tantrums.” This is what some of her best friends are doing. Ha. What a bitch. Some friend she’s turned out to be…

Also, the male (I don’t know his name, and quite frankly, I don’t care) calls atheism a “movement.” As if it’s so organized. I couldn’t keep from laughing when I heard that gem. Seriously? An Atheist Movement! Ha! That’s why I see all these atheists protesting in the streets, like herds of sheep. There will never be an atheist “movement” because, as atheists, we’re capable of thinking for ourselves, and don’t have that “sheep in a flock” mentality, because we’re smarter than our more basic, animal instincts.

I love how she equates posting a sign to “outbursts” and “tantrums” from the atheist community. And what the fuck is “Christmas Wars Fatigue?” I wasn’t aware that there was a war on Christmas. I didn’t see any tanks, or people dying in the streets at all during the month of December, though I was hoping. I really was hoping. It was not an attack on Christmas! It was an attack on your hypocrisy! You’re all a bunch of hypocrites! That was the message the atheist sign owner was trying to get across! Don’t steal a sign, when it says pretty clearly in YOUR book, “Thou Shalt Not Steal.”

Shut the fuck up and get over it.

I have a friend who tends to get into all kinds of awkward sexual situations. She’s agreed to do her own show, describing her various sexual encounters. Here’s her first video. Her name is Joan. She’s from Arkansas. I call her Joan of Arkansas. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

I bought some soaps, because I’m such a fag, and was amazed at the warning labels that I found on the backs of these soaps. Well, it was one warning label, but repeated for each individual soap product. Yes, I bought a package of soaps. Yes, I realize it’s pretty gay. But in case you don’t believe me about the warning label, here’s a picture.

People Are So Stupid.

As you can see, the entire thing is pretty fucking stupid. I mean, really? Do we really need so many warning labels? And if so, why? Are the people we’re trying to protect even really worth the printing costs? In the Real World, animals that are too stupid to survive usually don’t. We call this Natural Selection.

I say we get rid of all the fucking warning labels, and everyone’s right to sue. If you are too stupid to figure out that bleach is not a suitable substitute for salt, do you really deserve to live? I mean, come on! And if you’re drinking bleach just so you can sue the company who makes it for not warning everyone of the dangers of consuming bleach, you deserve to die. I’m sorry. This shit has got to stop.

Everyone who’s out to make a quick buck, you need to fucking die. I hate you. What about me? Where’s my lawsuit? Huh? Huh?? HUH??? I don’t get to go around suing everything in my path! And you know what? I’m horribly jealous! Now that you assholes have finally made it necessary to include warning labels on soap, for fuck sakes, I now have nothing to sue for. Seriously, who’s the asshole that ate a fucking bar of soap? How did this happen?

I’m not sure whether I’m horrified, or impressed. Maybe a little of both. Congratulations, soap-eater. You’re either very stupid, or very fucking evil and greedy. You know what amazes me though? There’s still one last thing that hasn’t had a warning label slapped on its side. You know what that is? Your average, garden-variety soda can. Seriously. They have warning labels on soap, but not soda cans? Soda cans are way more dangerous for your health than soap. Soap doesn’t cut you up from the inside out. Soda cans do. If you eat them. I think I have my lawsuit…

Just kidding. I’m not out for a quick buck. And besides, I have more self-respect than that. I say we get rid of all the warning labels on everything, and let natural selection take its course.

Helen Keller was born in Japan in 3032 BCE. She was a pirate, and had a cleft palate. Her closest friends would have described her as “a pretty fucking horrible cook, and a bitch to boot,” had she not eaten them for dinner one fateful night. She liked to knit on occasion.

In 1918, almost 5000 years later, she decided to join the army. She dressed up as a boy, but was rejected, because she had really big tits, you see, and you can’t really hide quadruple D size boobies. What an idiot. Well, after that, she decided to become a real estate agent, and made tens of dollars. She was finally living a normal life, one that she had always wanted, but she still felt unfulfilled. She felt unsatisfied. There was a void in her soul that appeared after she gave up her life of pirating and kicking ninja ass.

So she bought a yacht, and hired some mutant lesbians to run her ship. She went to Germany, hired a really smart scientist, and forced him to create for her a beverage which would give her the ability to move shit with her mind. He was all like, “That’s totally outside the realm of science! You’re entering the realm of fantasy now, har har har tee hee hee— ACK!” That was when she choked him and said “Make it, or I’ll murder your entire family and eat their brains, and shit down their throats, then cut them into pieces, piss on them, smear them in cow shit, put them in a box, mail them to you, then tie you up and force you to eat the remains while I shove toothpicks under your fingernails and set your pubic hair on fire!” He was all like, “Okay.”

Well, months passed, but finally, the long-awaited day arrived. The potion had been brewed. Helen Keller drank the potion, and suddenly became ill. “You’ve poisoned me!” screamed Helen Keller. “No, I didn’t. I forgot to mention that it might cause just a little bit of heartburn. Seriously. Nothing to worry about,” said the really super smart scientist. Helen Keller relaxed. Then she threw the super smart scientist against the wall with her mind. “It works,” she said, simply. “I can see,” said the super smart scientist. “Not anymore!” cried Helen, as she ripped his eyes out with her super amazing mind powers. “AHHHH!” screamed the not so super smart scientist, as she ate his brains.

Not long after the death of the really stupid scientist and the acquisition of the totally super amazing mind powers, Helen Keller decided to take over the world. It took her three hours, because she had all those mind powers and stuff. Her first rule as Ruler of Dark Lord Realm was to change the name of planet Earth to Dark Lord Realm. She claimed that the name made her giggle. In 2012 CE, her rule finally came to an end, when a particular nasty strain of the common cold wiped out the entire planet.

(I figured that I should explain the following paragraphs to the readers, because as we all know, you’re all quite stupid and can’t figure anything out for yourselves. Basically, this was written at 3:00 a.m. when I was really tired and ready for bed. I decided to just write without thinking about what I was writing. Below are the ramblings of a sleep-deprived man. These are actual thoughts that run through my head, completely uncensored.)

Gristolpoik Abaram nida. Eschou siis grik. You know what that is? It’s me, typing in tongues. That’s what I do when I become so filled with the Holy Spirit. Hallelujah! Fuck shit ass cock! Sorry, I also have Typing Tourette’s Syndrome, and for some reason am unable to delete the profanity that I type. I’d get up and do something about it, but my legs are feeling strange, due to my Restless Legs Syndrome. I’d do something about that as well, if it weren’t for the depression I suffer from on a daily basis. Praise Jesus! He works miracles!

You’re probably not following what I’m trying to say in the above paragraph. To you, it probably makes no sense. It doesn’t make sense to me, either, and you know why? Because it’s something someone would write if they had nothing better to do at 3 o’clock in the morning. Because that’s what time it is here, give or take an hour or two.

If I had just one wish, it would be for all the seared cow flesh I could possibly eat for the rest of my life. Because I’m a carnivore, and I like to eat meat all the time, because it’s delicious. I hate spaghetti. The noodles are quite untrustworthy. They’re long and spindly, and I don’t trust anything that skinny.

I really could go for a double cheeseburger with mayo, ketchup, lettuce, onion, and tomato. No pickles though. Those are absolutely fucking disgusting. Well, not the spear kind. I just hate the flat round pieces of shit they throw on your burger by default. They’re absolutely fucking disgusting, and there’s absolutely no excuse for them to exist. Fuck flat round pickles.

I should really return my Netflix DVDs. It’s been, what, almost two months since I received them in the mail? That’s a bit excessive. And it’s not as if I’m actually watching any of them anymore. I’ve already seen them six times each. I should probably move on. Speaking of which, I should probably add more DVDs to my Netflix queue. I’m so fat.

Who was the first person to look at a cow, and think, “I bet if I squeezed all that shit out of that fucking cow’s udders, and let it spoil, I could make a pretty tasty treat out of it.”? I’m really not sure how to punctuate that sentence. Should I look it up on Google? Fuck it, I’m too tired. They can just fucking deal with it. I really hate it when people use the word Google as a verb. It’s not a fucking verb. It’s the name of a fucking search engine. Which makes it a proper noun. It’s not a verb. The next person who utters the phrase, “Why don’t you Google it?” gets my fucking knee in their throat. I bet kneeing someone in the throat isn’t nearly as fun as double fisting them. Fuck this shit, I’m too tired to continue.

Since Bobby has yet to write anything for the site, I decided to chat with him online and transcribe the conversation for all to see. That’s how stupid I am. I apologize.

[8:09:48 PM] AngryHuman says: Okay
[8:09:57 PM] AngryHuman says: I’m getting on Netflix and I’m gonna watch something
[8:10:01 PM] AngryHuman says: Because I’m a loser
[8:10:04 PM] AngryHuman says: With nothing to do
[8:10:06 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: maybe [Pathology is] on there
[8:10:16 PM] AngryHuman says: But sit and cry and eat fucking ice cream and pancakes all day
[8:10:22 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:10:30 PM] AngryHuman says: Because I’m pregnant.
[8:10:32 PM] AngryHuman says: Again.
[8:10:34 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: haha
[8:10:45 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: again
[8:10:47 PM] AngryHuman says: lol
[8:10:47 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: damn
[8:10:51 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: this is the 3rd time
[8:10:57 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: this year
[8:10:58 PM] AngryHuman says: For real though
[8:11:00 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lmao
[8:11:27 PM] AngryHuman says: I need to start making everyone wear condoms or something
[8:11:33 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: yah i know
[8:11:43 PM] AngryHuman says: Actually I’ll just eat the pill. That’ll take care of it.
[8:11:52 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: or ziplock bags
[8:12:00 PM] AngryHuman says: Is it illegal to abort in the third trimester?
[8:12:07 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: o
[8:12:11 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: damn
[8:12:17 PM] AngryHuman says: HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING!
[8:12:21 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: cant hit the killswitch
[8:12:22 PM] AngryHuman says: (not really)
[8:12:55 PM] AngryHuman says: Abortion doesn’t kill people. Unaborted fetuses kill people.
[8:12:57 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: sounds like ur fucked
[8:13:05 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:13:12 PM] AngryHuman says: It’s true though
[8:13:22 PM] AngryHuman says: Hitler was an unaborted fetus. Just think about that.
[8:14:23 PM] AngryHuman says: So you see, I have conclusively proven that it’s more than just acceptable to have abortions… It’s the moral thing to do
[8:14:34 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:14:35 PM] AngryHuman says: Kill one, save millions. That’s my motto
[8:14:39 PM] AngryHuman says: lol
[8:14:52 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: jesus
[8:14:55 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:14:57 PM] AngryHuman says: lol
[8:15:02 PM] AngryHuman says: I’m such an asshole
[8:15:13 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: with a terd in it
[8:15:16 PM] AngryHuman says: lol
[8:15:21 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: constipated
[8:15:21 PM] AngryHuman says: But I’m funny!
[8:15:34 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:15:37 PM] AngryHuman says: I’m like a constipated asshole with horrible gas
[8:15:47 PM] AngryHuman says: It sucks, but it’s incredibly entertaining at the same time.
[8:15:58 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:16:19 PM] AngryHuman says: You could say the same about vacuum cleaners.
[8:16:19 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: well im onna jump off here matts on his way
[8:16:25 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:16:26 PM] AngryHuman says: Right on
[8:16:41 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: ill tty when i get back
[8:16:53 PM] AngryHuman says: ok omfg rofl! hb!
[8:16:58 PM] AngryHuman says: lol
[8:17:03 PM] Bobby Shaffer says: lol
[8:17:04 PM] AngryHuman says: I love acronyms!

Guess what I just had to do? I had to reinstall Windows because Windows blows donkey balls like a motherfucker. Fortunately for me, I make it a habit to make backups of all my data, so Windows can’t ruin my life. It tries to ruin my life at least once a year. Sometimes more.

For the more computer literate people who are reading this, yes I use Linux. But I can’t use Linux to play World of Warcraft. Well, I can, if I use vmware or some stupid shit, but I don’t feel like going through all the trouble, when I can just use the Windows installation I already have.

The reason I had to reinstall Windows is because I got a nasty little piece of malware. Someone got through my defenses (ha, as if Windows had defenses to speak of), and installed some sort of malware that froze my entire machine up. Well, fuck them. I make backups of my data specifically because of that. This is why I prefer Linux. The security is WAY better. But I can’t play video games on it, and that’s basically all I do with Windows.

I’m so glad I make backups of everything…

I want to be a Super Villain. I’d so totally pwn the world with my 1337 5|<1|_|_5. You have no idea. I even have the costume designed and everything! You ready for this? Prepare to meet Xarquon The Centaur!

Xarquon, The Centaur

I know what you’re thinking. “Ian, this rocks, but does Xarquon have any special powers?” Well, of course he does! You know what he can do? He can fist fuck your grandmother while eating a turkey sandwich. That’s pretty fucking impressive. Not only that, but he can shoot lasers out of his eyes.

OMG! Lazers! ROFL!

You know what I’d do if I had the incredible abilities of Xarquon the Centaur? I’d totally fly to England, just so I could see if I could get a reaction out of the Queen’s guards. I hear that they never move, or react in any way. I’ve always been suspicious of that… Just as bad as mimes, if you ask me. It’s unnatural.

I’d go to restaurants and demand that they give me free french fries. Who’s going to say no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his eyes? Nobody. That’s who. And fuck you if you think you would say no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his eyes. You’re just saying that in the hopes that you sound cool to all of your peers. Nobody says no to a talking centaur with lasers coming out of his fucking eyes.

Oh, and I know that this is completely and utterly unrelated to the above topic, however, I just felt compelled to enlighten my audience to the revelation I’ve just had ten seconds ago. If you look at the word “eyes” from the point of view of an advertising executive, you get the word “e-yes.” I think that after I invent the “e-yes,” I’ll begin work on the development of the “e-no,” which, while similar sounding in name, is completely unrelated to the much maligned “emo” subculture, which is hardly a subculture at all, and I find myself unable to make that statement with a straight face.

I just totally lost my train of thought. Fuck this. I’m eating a sandwich.