Why is everyone so fucking stupid? I can’t handle it. There are times when I just want to shove an icepick into my brain. Maybe if I were stupid I’d be happier… Who knows… I’m not really anxious to find out any time soon. Knowing my luck, I’d be stupid, but still angry.

No one knows how to think. No one knows how to use logic. Everyone seems to live in this fantasy world where demons and angels fight over their eternal soul, as if they were important people, rather than nobodies like all the rest of us. And people think I’m crazy! At least I’m still living in reality…

Only in America would I be the one locked up in a mental hospital, when millions upon millions of people throughout the country believe that a magical spirit in the sky is talking to them and guiding them through life, but they’re the “normal” ones. This nation is fucked up. And it’s all because of religion.

I’m sick of the double standards religious people have when it comes to other people’s beliefs. If I were to say “Your bible is stupid” to a Christian, they’d get angry and say “Stop persecuting me for my beliefs!” But if the tables were turned, they wouldn’t hesitate to put down the beliefs of someone else, because their religion is the “right” one.

I’m sick of the ignorance that religion encourages. Christianity is a dangerous belief system, in that it discourages any kind of rational thinking, or the questioning of authority. Christianity turns good people into evil sheep, ready to die in the defense of that flawed belief system. I’ve always viewed Christianity as a type of virus, one that turns people into unthinking zombies. It’s scary living on the outside of that world.

It’s especially scary when people tell you to go to their church, and then they give you the evil eye when you decline. It’s especially scary when Christians tell you you’re an amoral monster who will be going to hell. It’s especially scary when Christians talk ceaselessly about how god talks to them and answers their prayers. It’s especially scary that these people run the White House and have their fingers on the big red button. It’s incredibly scary that most Americans view all of this as perfectly acceptable.

Due to the holidays, there won’t be many updates. I probably won’t have any new updates for another week or so. I was going to do another live radio show, but that probably won’t happen until after New Year’s Day. Don’t worry though. I’ll be doing more radio shows soon, as well as other updates. I’ll be doing a lot more videos as well.

In other news, I see that there has been no change in the quality of my visitors. They’re still arriving at my site by searching for the term “pregnant teen.” I should try to write a script that keeps people from visiting my site if they’re coming from a search engine with the term “pregnant teen.” It’s disgusting. I feel dirty and used…

I really hate the holidays. In this town, all the people who should never, ever, ever own a vehicle are out and about, holding up traffic, running into telephone poles, and ruining my life. The people who never leave their houses (because they’re stupid and don’t know how to open their doors), have somehow figured out that it’s Christmas time, and they’re out with a vengeance.

Kill. Me.

I fucking hate the holidays. I hate buying presents, because I have no idea what to buy people. I hate being in public during the holidays, because I have to deal with idiots. And they’re RUDE! Even though I detest the holidays, I still have the common decency to be polite. Because I was raised with class. And I’m better than everyone.

Here’s a list of things I’d rather be doing:

1. Getting a vasectomy.
2. Chewing glass.
3. Listening to rap music.
4. Watching MTV.
5. Being boiled alive.
6. Eating the leftover rancid fecal matter inside a corpse.

And I can’t even go out to eat without waiting at least four days for my server to come take my order, because every idiot in town has suddenly forgotten how to cook. And the children! AHHH! They’re even more annoying than usual, if you can believe it.

Every sound gets on my nerves. Every time I look at another human being, I suddenly feel incredibly nauseous, even more than usual. I’m getting ready to crack, and it’s not going to be pretty. I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there, at least until the holidays are over. There really is no excuse for Christmas.

Bah motherfuckin’ Humbug.

I’m just going to buy everyone a gift card. I’m trying to maximize my shopping efficiency. And besides, if I were to buy an actual gift for someone, they’d probably be disappointed. I’ll just give them money. They can buy their own gifts. Fuck Christmas. Whoever invented this shitty holiday deserves to be hung on a cross.

Oh. Wait…

I was feeling like a hippie, so I decided to write a social/political song, because that’s what hippies do. They also don’t eat meat. And they all smell like b.o. and patchouli. Stupid hippies.

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Apparently my website is attracting the worst kind of people. I just looked at my stats, and 100% of the last 9 visitors arrived at my site by searching for the term “pregnant teen.”

I had an article a while back, in which I made fun of a pregnant teen that I found in some stupid pregnant teen forum. I wrote the article because I hate teenagers, especially the kind that can’t keep their fucking legs shut for more than three minutes at a time. Teenagers have no right to bear children. Stupid whores. They do not have the capabilities of raising children. Teenagers are stupid. They know nothing. So I wrote an article that belittled and made fun of them.

I’m hoping that the people who were searching for the term “pregnant teen” weren’t doing so out of some sexually deviant desire. Because that shit’s fucked up. I’m really disgusted. Why can’t I attract normal people to this site? Arrrgh!

If any future visitors happen to stumble upon this website by searching for the term “pregnant teen”, please note that there are no pregnant teens anywhere on my site. I, unlike you, am not a sexual deviant. You will find no pictures, or videos, or any other sort of material related to pregnant teens, and I refuse to help you with your debauchery. Please stop it.

I guess from now on I’m going to have to really think about what I write…

Sexually Deviant Googlers.

One thing that fascinates me about Christians is their amazing capacity for self-delusion and doublethink. Christians pride themselves on having a loving, caring god, but this same god will condemn a person to a burning, fiery torment for all of eternity if that person does not believe in him.

Their messiah, Jesus, preaches tolerance and acceptance, yet this is rarely followed in their religion. Christians seem to be tolerant only of things that agree with their delusional belief system. I’ve noticed that a Christian will go up in arms if you denounce his/her religion, but they’re more than willing to trash yours, because theirs is the right religion. This amazes me. If this isn’t a perfect example of the blatant hypocrisy rampant in the Christian religion, then I don’t know what is.

Here are a few disturbing quotes from Christians that I’ve found online:

“No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest “cover” of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.”

“The only solution we have to stop gays from recruiting other people is to cut off the source. They need to be taken to specialized containment centers where they will be forced to become straight and accept Jesus as thier savior and to repent from their disgusting, wicket, hatful, devilish ways. Those that refuse to go can either be forced, or banished from society in other specialized communities where they have no connetion to the outside world at all. Most would die of AIDS anyway. Anyone who refused any of the answers to make them better would have to be killed or banished.”

Source

It seems that this type of thinking is the “norm” for most Christians. I realize that I’m over-generalizing here, and I’m well aware that there are decent Christians out there who respect the rights of other human beings, but, as one who grew up in a fundamentalist Christian atmosphere, this is the type of thinking that I’ve grown accustomed to from Christians, and this is the type of thinking that terrifies me. What compels these people to be so ignorant? Are they choosing to be ignorant on purpose? Or can we blame this on the sad state of our public education system? Whatever the cause, it truly frightens me that people can be so ignorant, and it leaves me feeling no hope for humanity whatsoever.

It saddens and angers me that people think this way. I’m disgusted by it all. I just hope that humanity grows up sometime in the near future.

If I were any more awesome, I’d be a myth. That’s how awesome I am. Sometimes I just like to stare in the mirror for hours, soaking up my own awesomeness. Other times I like to drink green tea, contemplating the mysteries and complexities of myself. I’d totally have sex with myself if I were someone else. That’s how awesome I am.

The few friends I have (I can’t be bothered to make friends, as I’m too busy being awesome) say I have self-esteem issues, because I constantly talk about killing myself. I only talk about killing myself because I’m so jealous of myself and how awesome I am, that I don’t feel as if the world deserves to experience my awesomeness. I’m so awesome that I would totally kill myself.

If I were a tree, I probably wouldn’t be very awesome.
If I were an amoeba, I’d be kinda awesome, but not really.
If I were a human being, I wouldn’t be awesome at all, unless I were me.

For those of you who want to be me, you can send me $29,382,128.14, and I’ll teach you everything you need to know about being me. It’s quite a bargain, actually. I’m offering this service at a 50% discount, so hurry up while supplies last. (Did you get that? Remember earlier on when I was talking about killing myself because I don’t want to share myself with the world? That was a joke! Get it? While supplies last? Hahaha! I kill me. Another joke! Jesus Christ I’m on a roll.)

I felt I had to explain that last joke to you because you’re not me, which means you’re stupid, and can’t get simple jokes. You’re so lucky I haven’t killed myself yet. What would you all do without me? You’d probably keep being as un-awesome as you possibly could. You people bore me. Stop being stupid.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

After many hours of working vigorously to restore my reputation and get that image removed from that asshole’s photobucket account, I was finally successful! Words cannot express how awesome I feel at the moment! And if you’re reading this, oren_montana, consider this a lesson. You should have done some fucking research before attempting to ruin someone’s reputation, because in this instance, you had the wrong guy. Asshole.

Here’s the email that photobucket sent me:

Dear Ian Buchanan,

Your Photobucket Support Team

I’m still not satisfied with any of the efforts I’ve put into getting my picture taken off of that guy’s photobucket account, so I contacted Photobucket directly. Here is the email I sent them:

My name is Ian Buchanan, and a picture of mine is being used by a user of your services, going by the screen name of “oren_montana.” The picture can be located at: http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa116/oren_montana/?action=view&current=drag-1.jpg

You can find the original picture at: http://www.angryhuman.com/index1.shtml

Further proof that this is my picture can be found in a video I produced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwbHeVwYCMA

It is a picture I took several months ago, and it was on my website, where the user in question downloaded it, and altered it, thereby committing copyright infringement and libel. He edited the picture to say “Ryan Kintz Founder/Head Pimp of Bigtime Entertainment.” My name is not Ryan Kintz, nor am I in any way affiliated with Bigtime Entertainment.

I wrote an article on the company, hoping that unsigned artists wouldn’t fall for their scam. The user, “oren_montana” took a picture of me, and used it in what I view as an attempt at character defamation.

I’ve spoken with my lawyer, and he says I have grounds to sue if the picture is not removed.

Thanks for your cooperation,

Ian Buchanan

Address: ***********
*******
Kokomo, IN 46901

Phone: (765) *******
Email: ian@angryhuman.com

* “I hereby state that I have a good faith belief that the disputed use of the copyrighted material is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law (e.g., as a fair use).”

* “I hereby state that the information in this Notice is accurate and, under penalty of perjury, that I am the owner, or authorized to act on behalf of the owner, of the copyright or of an exclusive right under the copyright that is allegedly infringed.”

Signature: ***Ian Nathaniel Buchanan***

In order to prove even further that I am not Ryan Kintz, I created this video, explicitly stating that I am not Ryan Kintz. I am not as fat as I look in the video. The camera is adding at least 20 pounds… Stupid camera.

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I found out just this second that the picture that the guy with the myspace page is using was posted on photobucket. Apparently some rapper wannabe is the one who initiated this entire conspiracy to RUIN MY NAME! Oh, don’t worry. I let him have the truth. And get this! He actually downloaded the picture from MY SITE! Didn’t even bother to change the file name! What an asshole!

Here are two pictures. Only one of them is Ryan Kintz.

The Real Ryan Kintz

This is Ian

We look nothing alike! And I don’t run Big Time Entertainment! I am not affiliated with them in any way! In fact, I wrote an article in an attempt to destroy them and protect unsigned artists from falling for their scam!

Why can’t people be bothered to do RESEARCH before making these claims! He clearly downloaded the picture from my site (because it was the only place I had uploaded it, and he didn’t even bother to change the name of the file). Since he was on my site, and somehow made the Big Time Entertainment connection, he must have seen the article I wrote. Apparently he saw the article, read three words, and assumed that I was Ryan Kintz. Actually, I think I’m giving him a little too much credit. I’d be surprised if this asshole actually could read. I’m almost tempted to file a law suit! Defamation of Character! If this rapper wannabe doesn’t remove my picture from his stupid photobucket account (get a real domain, idiot), then I’ll go to extraordinary lengths to ruin him. You can count on that.

To further prove that I am not Ryan Kintz to this asshole, I created my own photobucket account with pictures of myself.

Click here to view the asshole who decided to attempt to ruin my reputation.

I was looking through my web site stats today, and I found this myspace profile. Apparently this guy thinks I’m the guy who created Big Time Entertainment. He has my picture on his profile, claiming me to be Ryan Kintz, which is so totally not even my name. I emailed him and told him all about it.

Haven’t people heard of doing research? I wrote that Big Time Entertainment article forever ago, for the old site. I just put it back up today, because one of the search terms that was popular was Big Time Entertainment, and since I didn’t have the page up anymore, I decided to bring it back, to warn everyone not to go with that shitty company. But it amazes me that he wouldn’t even bother to do a little research into who Ryan Kintz is. I had to do his research for him, and give him a picture of Ryan Kintz, so he’ll know who he is.

And besides, I’m way prettier than Ryan Kintz. I’m almost offended…

This article is an old one that I wrote. I wrote it over a year ago, but I noticed, upon perusing my stats, that it’s a fairly popular search term for the site, so I decided to re-post it here. Below is the article, slightly modified (the only thing I changed was the link to my music, as it’s different now).

=============================================================

A company that goes by the name of Big Time Entertainment contacted me on my MySpace page a couple of days ago. As I read the email, I got really excited. At first. Below is the email, verbatim:

Hey conceived,

i do booking for bigtime and im [sic] working on an all ages show at rooftop that i think your sound would fit well onto. its [sic] on 5/22, would yoube [sic] able to play that show?

i can get you all the info and stuff, just email me at my booking email account ind@bigtimeentertainment. net (i cant [sic] really do any booking through my myspace account, the myspace inbox is horrible to work in) didn’t see an email address so i figured best to just msg [sic] you to get the ball rolling.

-amy

Aside from the obvious grammatical errors and misspellings, the company sounded great. So I emailed them back, as per the email they sent me (By the way, Conceived In Ashes, my band which is not really a band, is who she’s addressing in the email.)

This is Ian, from Conceived In Ashes. I’d love to do a show, however, it’s just two of us in the band, so we can’t do live performances as of right now. We need more people in the band. We’re from Kokomo, and it’s very hard to find people who play instruments in this town.

–Ian

I was excited. Thoughts of fame and fortune clouded my thoughts. Just kidding. I know I’ll never be rich and famous. But I can dream, can’t I? Well, at this point, I was extremely curious about this Big Time Entertainment company, so I did some research, and found that, while legit, they are basically a scam. In order to get paid for the show, you have to pre-sell a minimum quota of tickets to the show, which sounds pretty sketchy to me. It’s almost like Pay-to-Play. I shouldn’t have to do all the work for them in order to get paid for my performance. Fuck that. The next day, “Amy” emailed me with a booking form. My answers to the questions in the form are in BOLD CAPS.

=============================================================
–BigTime Entertainment–INDIANAPOLIS Booking Form:
=============================================================
1. Please type the name of your Act below: IAN BUCHANAN

1b. How many members are in your act and will perform at our show? ONE (1) PERSON

2. We need a primary & secondary Phone Number from two different members in your band, preferably a cell phone number that your band will have with you when you go to play shows.
-Primary Cell Phone Number:(765) ***-****
-Secondary Cell Phone Number: (765) ***-****

2b. Secondary E-mail Address: IAN@ANGRYHUMAN.COM

3. So that our booking staff can listen to your music whenever we are in the process of booking you for a show, we need a URL where your music can be streamed online: http://www.angryhuman.com/20081211the-album/

3a. Briefly Describe your music and / or any influences or bands you sound like: MY MUSIC IS THE BESTEST MUSIC ON THE PLANET. EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO HEAR MY MUSIC, BECAUSE I’M THE GREATEST. I’M SO AWESOME THAT I’D WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME IF I WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

4. It is important that you know that we are working hard for YOU. There are many costs to organizing a show that are often not considered. We want you to know exactly where your fans ticket buying dollar goes, so before moving on with the form completion, please review the BigTime Breakdown at this URL:

http://www.bigtimefeedback.com/breakdown

To indicate you have read the Breakdown site please type “YES” below: YES

4b. We want to be sure that we are the right fit for you. The last thing we want is for you to book onto a show that does not fit your needs, If you would like to be more informed about the different types of shows that are available to local artists see the following link:

http://www.bigtimeentertainment.org

5. We need each act to bring in at LEAST the number of people specified below for each Venue. This minimum draw requirement varies depending on the size and prestige of the venue. This requirement is vital to ensure that ALL of the acts on the bill can count the night a success and to ensure the long term survival and success of the venues, which provide a home in the INDIANAPOLIS Market not only for your band but also for your favorite local, regional, and national performers.
Acts that fail to bring their share of the crowd have not done their part to make the show a success. This is unfair to the artists who have worked hard to deliver a turnout to the show. BigTime believes that artists should SHARE fans–and not just play for everyone else’s fans without contributing at all to the turnout. This can only be done if each act brings their share of the crowd.

**Taking this into account, can you guarantee your band will bring AT LEAST 30 people to come see you play at Rooftop–regardless of the night of the week or other acts on the bill? NO, I CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT I CAN BRING AT LEAST 30 PEOPLE. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO SELL THE TICKETS. SHOULDN’T YOU BE DOING THAT?

SHOW SET UP:
The typical BigTime show consists of 5-6 local acts with 30 minute sets–(Though special accomodations can be made if needed). Also special shows–with longer sets, less bands, etc–will be available for acts who are reliable and are consistenly great to work with.

BAND ORDER:
Band Order will be determined the night of the show, click here for more information
http://www.bigtimeentertainment.net/bandorder

ARE THERE ANY FEES?
No. Artists never pay any fees to play a BigTime show, and no money ever comes out of any artist’s pocket. We are proud to be able to provide our shows in this way. In essence, Artists book with us for free, Fans pay to see the show, and the acts are paid.
Some event production companies will ask bands to pay several hundred dollars deposit before they even show up for the show. We charge zero fees. Your band will never be asked to pay for unsold tickets, and you will never pay for our tickets. We do not allow artists to “purchase” their own tickets, if we ever catch wind of this we will address it, and stop it.

PAYMENT:
BigTime pays every artist who plays at one of our shows. This is something that sets us apart from battle of the bands companies. BigTime events are NEVER “Battle of the Bands.” Our shows are not competitions. We focus instead on empowering our artists and bringing together our artists so that local music can flourish in the cities where we produce our events, and putting our artists on stage in front of a good crowd.

Your payment will be proportional to your draw for the night. For a full description of how your payment will be calculated, refer to the footnote on the following URL:
http://www.bigtimefeedback.com/breakdown

(payment information will also be provided every time you book a show)

5b. BigTime is here for you, and we want to accomodate our artists as much as we can! Everytime you bring out at least 30+ fans to see you play one of our shows, we’ll be able to get you bonus payments and other cool perks the next show you play with us after that. Our goal is to be able to provide these special opportunities for each artist, and as you demonstrate consistent reliability, we’ll be happy to do whatever we can. Please type “YES” to indicate you are aware of this. NO

6. Tickets in advance are $8.00 for Rooftop. The door admission is $10.00 for Rooftop.
Over the past 4 years, we have found that, without fail, acts that don’t pre-sell tickets have a MUCH lower attendance than acts that do, mainly because without pre-sold tickets most people that promise to attend fail to actually show up. The acts that consistently draw well on our shows are the acts that sell tickets to their fans in advance. These are the artists that BigTime consistently works with, and these are the acts that our Booking Directors frequently give bonus pay, longer sets, and other perks.
On the other hand, the acts that have drawn the least amount of people have relied heavily on their door draw and because of that they drew poorly. This is to say that consistently, our lowest drawing acts are the ones that choose to not sell tickets and instead just “hope” that their fans pay at the door night of show. Obviously, we are not able to work with these acts anymore, and the clubs we work with also choose to avoid re-booking those acts.

Our studies show that fans who pre-purchase a ticket are SEVEN times more likely to come to the event. The reason for this is because they have financially committed to the show and they become invested in your performance. If you have ever told a friend about a show to have them assure you that they will be there, then they end up not showing up to the show, you understand why selling the ticket to them is important! That face-to-face interaction also allows you connect with your fans. for more info on why we have our acts sell tickets, you can check out–http://www.bigtimeentertainment.net/whyselltickets

**Taking all of this into account, is your band willing to pre-sell tickets for a BigTime show to your friends and fans? WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SELL TICKETS? ISN’T THAT YOUR JOB? ARRGH!!!!!

BIGTIME ARTIST RESOURCES:
The BigTime Artist Resources are free for all artists, and are available to help you in your promotion efforts. These strategies, and the mindset taught within them, will help build your fan base quicker than by any other means. We strongly encourage you to study this site and discuss the content with the members of your group.
There is nothing more tragic than an artist that sits around waiting for their “lucky break.” Choose goals that are valuable to you, LEARN what it will take to achieve them, and then put in the work. THAT is how consistently successful artists make thier own luck!

—– http://www.BigTime-Artist-Resources.com

Please take a moment to view this site, and know that we are working very hard to provide local musicians with the tools to succeed in this very difficult and unforgiving industry. (please type “COOL” to indicate that you have checked it out.) FUCKING AWESOME AND SHIT!

8. To give us an honest idea of how many people you know your band can for sure draw (whether it is higher or lower than the draw requirements listed for each venue in question #3), What is your act’s average draw in the INDIANAPOLIS market for an ALL AGES show? LAST TIME I HAD AN ALL AGES SHOW, I WAS THROWN OUT OF THE CLUB, BECAUSE OF A SONG I DID THAT TALKED ABOUT KILLING HOMOSEXUALS. I GUESS SOME PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

8b. What is your act’s average draw in the INDIANAPOLIS market for a 21+ show? THREE PEOPLE. AND THEY ALL THREW BOTTLES AND CHAIRS AT ME. I GUESS NO ONE WILL EVER LIKE MY “KILL ALL THE FAGS!” SONG.

9. What city is your band based out of? (Indianapolis, Plainfield, Greenwood, etc.) KOKOMO, INDIANA

9b. How many minutes does it take your band to drive into INDIANAPOLIS? ABOUT 40 MINUTES

What about during rush hour? ABOUT 42.391 MINUTES

10. Based on the age demographic of your Fans, would you consider your band primarily a “BAR BAND,” an “ALL AGES” Band, or equally “BOTH? I WOULD CONSIDER MY “BAND” TO BE A BAR BAND. I CAN’T PERFORM ON STAGE UNLESS THERE IS A READILY AVAILABLE AND WELL-STOCKED BAR WITH WHICH TO PURCHASE DRINKS. ALL THE GREAT BANDS PERFORM AT THEIR BEST WHEN THEY’RE FUCKED-IN-HALF DRUNK.

10b. How did you hear about BigTime Entertainment? I’VE NEVER HEARD OF YOUR COMPANY BEFORE. YOU PEOPLE CONTACTED ME ON MY MYSPACE PAGE. AND IF YOU LIKED MY MUSIC SO MUCH, WHY IS IT YOU’RE ASKING ME WHERE MY MUSIC IS LOCATED? DID YOU NOT READ THE PREVIOUS EMAIL I SENT? DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO THE MUSIC ON MY MYSPACE PAGE? DIDN’T THINK SO…

YOU CAN CHOOSE WHO YOU PLAY WITH:
11. Do you know any bands in the HOUSTON market that are interested in playing more often OR do you know any bands in the area that want to play a show with your group? If so, please list their name and E-mail address below and we would be happy to contact them with a Booking Form. You can also have those bands E-mail us a Booking Form Request. I’M FROM INDIANA. WHY WOULD I KNOW ANY BANDS FROM THE HOUSTON AREA?

This is the easiest way to get onto shows with artists you like playing with. If they fill out a Booking Form, we have no problem getting them on a show with you!

=============================================================

Sorry, Big Time Entertainment. I’m not interested. I can just go and book my own shows for all the work I have to do to get one through you guys. And I’d be able to keep all the money I earned. You’re not going to leach off of my hard work, no sir! You can go to hell. Thanks.

My friends and I stumbled across what is perhaps the greatest song of the 21st century.

This is where all my live shows will be archived, for those of you who miss the live shows. The first episode aired (12/15/08) today, at 6 p.m., EST. It was a totally impromptu show, and wasn’t planned. Future episodes of the show will be planned, and they’ll be way more awesome. I promise.

Episode I

The live show was successful! For those of you who missed it, you can check out the archived shows. I’ll be uploading every episode after it’s finished, so those who missed the live show can catch it later.

The first episode is about 40 minutes long. It was the first official show for the site, and it was pretty much an impromptu kind of thing, so nothing was planned. Future episodes will be better planned. I just felt compelled to get something up here so people could get a taste of what the show will be like.

Sometime today, probably around 6 p.m. EST, I’ll be doing the live radio show! I’m not really sure on the exact time, but I do know it will be today, and I’ll have a guest on the show. Just keep checking back periodically. It may even be before 6 p.m. EST. Who knows?

You can check it out by clicking on AngryHuman Live at the top of the page. I’ll be in the chat room, so you can chat with me as well. And if you miss the live show, I’ll be posting the show after it’s done, so you can listen to it at your leisure.

Have fun.

I’m sure everyone has experienced the joys of restaurant dining. I eat out every day, because I’m fucking rich, and I can afford it, unlike some people. And for those of you who have dined out, I’m sure you’re all familiar with the stupid little brat that cries entirely too often, ruining your meal in the process.

The reason children cry is because they have this constant need to be the center of attention, and if they don’t feel as if they are the center of attention, they’ll act out in the most annoying manner they know how: crying.

I don’t know about you, but the most annoying sound I can think of is a child crying. I hate it. When I was a child, if I cried, I got hit with a crowbar. That’s how they did it in my day. “Shut your goddamn fucking mouth or I’ll give you something to cry about!” Those are words I remember fondly. And you know what? They worked. I sure the fuck did shut the fuck up.

For those of you who’ve unfortunately reproduced, allow me to give you a few pointers on how to raise your little mistake.

1. Closets aren’t just for clothes.
Kids always need attention. They’re always doing something horrible to your possessions (or someone else’s) to get that attention. Sometimes you just need to get them out of your hair for a few hours. Shove them in the closet and put a lock on the door. There’s nothing in the closet that could kill them, so you should be able to keep CPS off your back. Hours of solitude will force your child to develop an imagination, and thus, intelligence.

2. Crowbars come in handy.
Sometimes all the crying and screaming can be a little too much to handle for the modern parent. No matter what you do (give them candy, bribe them with gifts, threaten to send them to time out) to get them to stop crying, it never works. That’s where Mr. Crowbar comes into the picture. When your little snot-nosed brat starts crying (”I scraped my knee!”), just apply generous amounts of Mr. Crowbar to the child in question. I guarantee that if you hit them hard enough, they’ll stop crying for hours, maybe even weeks!

3. Send the brat packing!
If Mr. Crowbar doesn’t work, there’s only one solution available. Back in the old days, the only cure for incorrigibility was death. These days, because of all the stupid touchy-feely liberals, that’s no longer an option. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get rid of the brat! That’s what adoption agencies are for! Just call up the adoption agency, and let them know that you’d like to get rid of your kid. I’m sure they’ll take it off your hands for you.

For those who are unfamiliar with the basic beliefs of Christianity, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of all the things that Christians believe. And it’s absolutely true. They actually believe all this stuff. I’m so not even making this up.

1. The earth is flat.
2. Snakes used to have legs and talk.
3. Noah somehow managed to fit billions of animals on a single boat.
4. Jesus had magical powers.
5. Moses saw a talking, burning bush.
6. Angels used to have sex with people, creating giants in the process.
7. God loves you, but will send you to a fiery torment for all eternity for not believing in him.
8. Unicorns live on a magical planet in another dimension.
9. Dinosaur fossils were put here by Satan himself. (As if he had nothing better to do.)
10. The sun revolves around the earth.
11. Ted Haggard is not gay. (HA!)
12. Leprechauns live in caves on planet Neptune.
13. Wearing aluminum foil on your head stops aliens from reading your thoughts. (Not true. Nothing keeps aliens from reading your thoughts. Duh.)
14. Slavery is acceptable. (If you’re a Christian and disagree, you’re violating God’s Word, and you’re going to hell.)
15. “Goddidit” is a much more plausible explanation than Evolution.

Stupid Christians.

I’m starting a new service for my website. It all stems from high school, when I’d eat various things for money, like paper clips, soda can tabs, erasers, chalk, and various other things. It was fun, until one day the Principal caught wind of what I was doing, and reported me to my parents. I never found out who snitched on me, and they’re lucky, because I would have eaten them. Because I’m a cannibal when I’m angry. Just kidding. But still, they’re lucky I never found out who snitched on me.

Well, my new service is this: You dare me to do things, I’ll put them on video as proof that I did it, then post it to the site. There are a few rules though. I won’t do anything illegal. I won’t do anything that hurts others, and I won’t do anything that could potentially be fatal to myself. Other than that, have fun.

You can post your dares in the comment section. If I deem them worthy (if they comply with the rules I’ve set), I’ll do them.

I am scared of Christians.

They claim that no one can be moral without their god. Just think about that statement for a second. I’m an atheist, and I’m pretty sure I know right from wrong. All without the need of a god. And most atheists are like that. They know right from wrong. When a Christian says that you can’t be moral without their god, it scares me.

“Well, you’re an atheist, so that means there’s no punishment for you in the afterlife, so what’s to stop you from murdering and raping people?” That statement really scares me, and I get that a lot from Christians. What they’re really saying is, “Well, if I didn’t believe in god, I’d probably kill and rape a whole bunch of people.” That’s really fucking scary.

There may not be a punishment for me in the afterlife (because I don’t believe in an afterlife and there is no scientific evidence to support such a claim), but I do know that there are laws in place that are enforced for everyone, not just Christians, so there is a punishment for such behavior. But more to the point, just because I don’t believe in an afterlife, or in any of their wacky, bronze-age superstitions, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to go on a killing/raping spree. Give me a little more credit than that.

You see, when you’re a child, you’re taught certain things. You’re taught the difference between right and wrong, usually before you’re brainwashed into that wacky little cult. You know that hitting people is bad, that being nice to people is good, etc. All without the need for a god. So when a Christian says something like that, I get really nervous.

Because they probably would go on a killing/raping spree if they didn’t believe in god.

And besides, if Christians really are morally superior to us atheists, why is it, according to a poll taken in 1997, that Christians make up 80% of the prison population in the U.S., while atheists only make up about 0.2%?

That’s because morality doesn’t come from god. As Richard Dawkins said, it comes from an ever-changing “moral zeitgeist.” Things change. At one point in our history, slavery was perfectly acceptable. Now it’s completely abolished worldwide. And the bible condones slavery. So obviously we didn’t abolish slavery because of religion.

So all of you Christians that absolutely need that belief to keep from murdering, keep on believing. The rest of us don’t need you killing our loved ones, and we certainly don’t need you draining the tax payers’ money by ending up in jail.

You come to my place of employment every day, stinking up the place. I refuse to believe that you’ve never been taught the joys of good hygiene. So why haven’t you taken a bath in the last year?

I don’t have a sense of smell, but I can tell you stink, because when you’re in my presence, your body funk is so strong, I can taste it. It’s not pleasant. I just want to take a butter knife and scrape the funk off of you. I bet it comes off just like butter. Gross!

Your hair is so greasy, it practically drips off your hair. Your glasses are a relic from the 80s that should not be, and you’re fat. Not only are you stinky, but you’re fat! It’s so gross. And you’re in desperate need of a bra, my dear stinky fat friend. Your titties sag down to your knees! It’s so gross!

You’re the nastiest customer we’ve ever had. I dread seeing you come into the store, because that means I’m going to have to hold my breath for 15 minutes, and it’s hard to do. I would run and hide, but your body funk has the uncanny ability to find anyone, no matter where they hide. Not to mention that the smell lingers after you leave, ruining my reputation in the process. “What’s that smell?” everyone asks, and I have to assure them it isn’t me, but they don’t believe me. You see, I know how to bathe properly. But it doesn’t matter, I get blamed for it, and it ruins my day.

So please! Please! Please! Please take a fucking shower! Soap isn’t that expensive. You can get it for a couple of bucks at our local Wal-Mart. When (and if) you decide to give in and bathe yourself, make sure to buy lots of it. You’ll need at least enough soap for three people and seven years of body funk.

Sincerely,
AngryHuman

Today, Friday, December 12, I will be doing my live radio show at 5:00 p.m. EST. I will probably be doing the show by myself, so it’ll be the most awesome show on the planet, obviously. After the show is over, I’ll upload it, and you can hear it if you missed it live. I’ll be doing that with all my shows.

My shows have no set format or topic, so they’ll be completely random, at least until I get some of my loser friends to join in on the fun. Which they probably won’t, because they’re losers. If you do happen to catch the show live, be sure to get in on the live chat. It’ll be tons of fun, I’m sure.

Ahh, Ramen Noodles. I love them. Sometimes. This is what I have to eat in order to keep this site up and running, because I’m poor and can afford nothing else. Just kidding. I eat steaks every night, and wash it down with a nice glass of Pinot Noir. At any rate, I decided to do a tutorial video of sorts, for my more stupid and poor fans. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it.

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The sun was bright in the sky, the flowers were in bloom. I might have thought it was a beautiful evening under normal circumstances, however today was different.

The Zombies were invading.

You have to see this to believe it. People running, bleeding, screaming, begging for their lives, while the zombies hurl a plethora of stupid questions at their victims. Pure madness.

It all started earlier, when I clocked in for work. I was hoping for a slow work day. And it seemed as if the fates would grant me my fervent wish, at first. I did nothing for the first hour or so, because I hated my job, and couldn’t be inconvenienced by physical labor.

More customers coming in. Lots of them.

Nothing to do. Nothing I wanted to do, anyway.

I twiddled my thumbs for a bit, and quickly became bored. I tried counting the number of holes in the ceiling tiles. I got to 1,237 before giving up.

That’s when it happened. I remember the time. It was 18:27. A customer standing next to the “Out of Order” sign hanging on the bathroom door asked the question that would change my life forever.

“Is this here bathroom out ‘o ordah?” he asked. I stared blankly, dumbfounded. Then bile started rising in my throat, and fear gripped every cell of my being. I wanted to run, but couldn’t. The zombie loomed, moving ever closer to his prey.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed, unable to take it anymore. I grabbed the gun I always kept underneath my shirt, inside my jeans, and shot the zombie in the head.

“EVERYONE RUN! THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!” I screamed as loud as I could. It was pandemonium. Customers and employees becoming one blur, becoming one screaming, running mob.

“How much does this here soda cawst?” another zombie drawled, standing next to the huge billboard displaying the price of the soda. “Die! Die! Die!” I screamed, shooting him several times in the chest. He toppled over, a confused look on his face, as if he couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. Which was probably true. I’ve dealt with zombies before. They don’t understand anything.

I dropped down to one knee, and examined the contents of his pockets. He had $1.84 in quarters, nickels and pennies. I tossed it aside, because I didn’t need $1.84 in quarters, nickels and pennies. What kind of asshole pays with quarters, nickels and pennies? What I needed was a name. But the zombie didn’t carry any form of personal identification.

I ran down the aisles, trying to avoid panicked employees and uninfected customers. I was their only hope for survival. I couldn’t let myself get trampled. I needed to find the Zombie Overlord. I darted down the electronics section, hoping to avoid being spotted by a zombie drone, but to no avail. “What does this here thing do? Is it compatible with my compooter?” he drooled. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” I screamed.

I ran for the zombie. Time slowed to a crawl. I reached forward, grabbing for his head, my fingers finding purchase, and rammed the zombie’s skull into the wall behind him. Bone shattered, and brain tissue coated my face. It was the Je’Na’R Ik Pow’ir taking over. I was a zombie killing machine.

SPLATT!

THUNK!

BAM!

I was on a roll. Nothing could stop me once the Je’Na’R Ik Pow’ir took control. It could be a blessing, or a curse. The latter sentence was (and still is) a tautology. I heard sirens.

I ran toward the door, relieved that assistance had arrived. There were just too many zombies for me to kill on my own. I would eventually succumb to exhaustion. “Why is everyone screamin’ fer? What’s hap’nin’?” another zombie asked. I kicked him in the groin, knocked him to the floor, and stomped his head repeatedly into the concrete floor. “Now I have to buy another pair of shoes!” I screamed as loud as I could. I wanted every zombie in the store to know I was angry, and that they would be dealt with harshly when I found them. Nothing can escape the wrath of the Je’Na’R Ik Pow’ir.

“Officer, thank the stars you’re here! There’s a bunch of—”

“DROP YOUR WEAPON! NOW!” the officer yelled.

“But–” I stammered.

“DROP YOUR WEAPON!”

I did the only thing I could at that point. I grabbed my Teleportation Stone and activated it, using the ancient mantra written on the back of the stone. I was going somewhere safe.

“Time for your meds, Jacob,” Bob the Part-Time Behavioral Attendant said. The patient glared at Bob. The patient was not happy at all. The patient spit at Bob the Part-Time Behavioral Attendant.

“You’re so naïve, Bob!” The patient yelled. “You seem to be blissfully unaware of what’s going on out there! The Zombies have taken control of our government! They’ve taken control of everything! And you just sit there, reading your dumb magazines, watching your stupid TV shows! I hope they get you, Bob! I hope they get you!” The patient ended his tirade, hurling excrement at Bob, the Part-Time Behavioral Attendant.

“All available staff! All available staff!” Bob yelled. The patient knew what was coming next, but he didn’t care. In fact, he always looked forward to the Thorazine injections. They took his mind off of the madness in the world. It let him escape. It calmed him.

The needle loomed, moving ever closer to its prey.

I can do live radio/video now! It’s super exciting. The only thing you need to view my stream is a copy of Winamp, which you can download here.

When you’ve downloaded and installed Winamp, you can listen to the stream, by clicking the link below:

I’ll be in the chat room during the live shows. Feel free to join me.

I’m working on a concept album, and it’s taking forever. I will post the songs here as I finish them. The album is only about half done at this point.

What amazes me about Christians is that they can denounce all other gods/religions/supernatural stuff, but not their own. Why is that? What proof do they have that their god is more real than the thousands upon thousands of gods that have been invented since the dawn of early man? None, other than a book that was written over 2,000 years ago.

I was raised as a Pentecostal, and for the uninitiated, allow me to explain just how crazy they are. First of all, they’re not mellow at all. They are the most hyper bunch of freaks I’ve ever had the displeasure of dealing with. They run around, flopping on the floor, speaking in tongues, claiming that their behavior is the product of having received the “infinite wisdom of god” or something like that. They preach nothing but hellfire and damnation, yet, with a straight face talk about the infinite love of their god. You wouldn’t think that god loved anyone, really, the way they talk.

Maybe there are some decent Christians out there, but I’ve only dealt with the crazy fundamental types. The ones that take every fucking word of the bible literally. Whenever I think about the typical Christian, this is the image I get:

Typical Fundie Christian

Fortunately for me, the Christians got a hold of me too late, so by the time I started going to Church (I was raised in foster care, and was inducted into Christianity a little too late), I had developed reasoning skills, and thus, their feeble attempts to brainwash me into their wacky little cult failed. Ideally, Christians want to start the indoctrination of their children around the age of four. I was eight by the time they got to me.

When I first heard of all of god’s miracles, the burning bush, the flood, talking snakes, etc., I didn’t believe any of it for a second. Using my newly acquired powers of logic and reason, I ascertained that the aforementioned events could never have taken place. I quickly realized that god was like Santa Claus, but for old people.

I look at Christians, and I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them because they still believe in Santa.

This is the first episode of a series of short films I’ll be making, called “Life Really Sucks.” It was inspired by myself, because I’m the greatest person in the whole wide world. I would just like to give myself a hug. I think I’ll do that.

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