The Angriest Atheist

Goddamn it, it’s Dimebag all over again…

When Dimebag died, all these fucking posers came out of the closet as these huge Pantera fans, but not a single one of them could name one single fucking Pantera album, let alone their favorite album. None of them knew any of the band members’ names, and none of them knew shit about Pantera. Fucking posers.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, the same fucking thing is happening. All I see online anymore are people saying “RIP Michael Jackson! LOLOLZ!!!1″ I’m fucking sick of it. Why is it that every time a fucking celebrity dies, everyone is suddenly their biggest fucking fan? Fucking pathetic. I’ve never particularly liked Michael Jackson, and now that he’s dead, I care even less about him. I bet they can’t wait for the next celebrity to die, so they can jump on that fucking bandwagon as well. Why can’t these people actually have their own fucking opinions? They only like something if everyone else says they like it. It’s goddamn ridiculous.

I really wish I could invent a device to stab people over the internet, because I’d use it every day. The next person that says “RIP Michael Jackson” is going to get stabbed in the face three times. Michael Jackson’s music was mediocre at best. It’s nothing special. I haven’t done any research yet, but I bet anything that Michael Jackson’s record sales are going through the roof now.

I’m so glad I’m not a celebrity, because if I were, and I were to die, I just know that all the posers would be coming out of the woodwork to buy my albums and claim that they’ve been my biggest fans since the beginning. I’d have to dig myself out of my grave just to punch these idiots in the nuts. Fuck you, posers. Get a life.

I’m tired of arguing with Christians. They’re stupid, and it’s like arguing with a brick wall. I’m done. I’m no longer arguing with these idiots. If you want to debate me, I suggest you check out the works of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, and Daniel Dennett. Read the books by these authors, and then get back to me. If you still believe in your stupid imaginary gods, then I really don’t understand how you can remember to breathe on your own. Pick up a physics book! Pick up any science text, for that matter! It’s about time you assholes start trying to learn our position. We’re all too familiar with yours. Most Atheists were raised Christian. I certainly was. You know what opened my eyes? Science. That’s what. Oh, and I also have a whole brain, capable of thinking rationally. More than I can say about the rest of you.

I’m sick of this idiocy spreading throughout our population. I’m tired of having to deal with it. I’m sick to death of hearing about it on the news, in the papers, in magazines. Why is faith considered virtuous? I’ll tell you why. It’s easier for you all to be controlled. THINK FOR YOURSELVES! Fuck! You have no idea how frustrated I am with society in its current state!

I’m sick of laws being created based on some bronze-age bullshit text written over 2000 years ago. I’m tired of the rampant homophobia in this country. COME ON! It’s the 21st century for fuck’s sakes! Grow the fuck up! How the hell is it hurting you what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedrooms? Get your nose out of it! The only conclusion I can come to is that you are all somehow jealous of those of us who can live freely and think for ourselves. If you don’t like homosexual behavior, then don’t be a homosexual! If you don’t like freethinkers, don’t be a freethinker! If you don’t want to open your eyes and see the truth, keep your fucking blindfolds on! Just leave the rest of us the hell alone!

What the fuck do you care if the rest of us go to hell? You don’t! You just want to control us! Fuck you! All you do is preach about how we’re going to hell, pretending to care about our eternal souls, when, in fact, you really don’t, and just want to control what everyone else is doing with their lives, because you’re too wrapped up in your own convoluted beliefs. You don’t care if we go to hell. You just want us to stop enjoying our lives. Fuck you.

Oh, and in other news, Michael Jackson died yesterday. I’m sure you’re all aware of that, though.

There are just so many gods to choose from. But when deciding which god to trust with your everlasting soul, where do you turn for advice? I’ve looked and looked, and there are absolutely no sources of unbiased information regarding these gods. So instead, I’ve decided to make an application. The thousands of gods that have existed throughout the entire history of mankind now have the ability to fill out an application to apply for the job of “Caretaker” of your everlasting soul. Below is the application.

1. Name: _________________
2. Date: _________________
3. Social Security Number: _________________
4. DOB: _________________
5. What qualifications, if any, do you feel make you the best possible candidate for the position? _________________
6. Work History: (If you need a separate sheet of paper, attach it to the application.) _________________
7. Education: (If you need a separate sheet of paper, attach it to the application.) _________________
8. Within the last sixty (60) days, have you, or any members of your household received any form of government assistance? _________________
9. What is your favorite color? _________________
10. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If yes, please give details of the crime. (Do not include traffic violations.) _________________
11. Age of Holy Texts regarding you as a deity: _________________
12. Please list all (if any) miracles you have performed for the betterment of mankind: _________________
13. Are you a loving deity, or a deity with destructive tendencies? _________________
14. How many prophets do you have? Please list their names and the dates they served you: _________________
15. What is the meaning of life? No more than 250 words, please. (Please write on a separate sheet of paper.)

Please note that by filling out this application, you are in no way guaranteed a job. If we feel you are qualified, we will call you to set up an interview. Failure to appear for your interview automatically disqualifies you for the position.

I was thinking that it would be nice to have a discussion group for atheists, so I created a discussion mailing list, so we could all have a forum in which to discuss whatever it is we want to discuss. I don’t get to have many intelligent conversations, which is what prompted me to create this mailing list. You can sign up for the list by clicking on the “Discussion” tab at the top right of the page, or by clicking here.

Hey guys! You wanna know what’s really cool and hip? Getting to know Jesus! He’s so super amazingly awesome! I just want to be with Jesus ALL THE TIME! I LOVE JESUS! LOLOLOLZ!

OMG! IT'S JESUS! LOLZ!

If it weren’t for Jesus, I would probably rape and kill people all the time, because what’s the point of life if Jesus doesn’t exist lololz? The fact that I don’t do all those things that atheists do all the time proves that Jesus is real! He’s real! He’s real! He’s real lolololz! Praise Jesus shahalahalamaldalafala. I was just typing in tongues! OMG! Jesus, you’re so awesome!

Also, I’d probably have all kinds of sex with those evil homosexuals if Jesus didn’t exist! Because if Jesus didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have morals! I mean, atheists are stupid if they think they can be good without Jesus! Those silly atheists! I mean, come on! Duh! You can’t be good without God! They’ve even done scientific studies on it, and all scientists agree that God exists and that morals can’t exist without God! Duh!

Plus, everything in the Bible has been proven true by scientists! It’s true! Just go to Answers In Genesis! All the real scientists work for that website! They’ve proven everything in the Bible! How amazing is that? OMG! LOLOLOLOLZ! *drool*

I’m just so excited to have Jesus inside of me! He’s like super cool! I can’t imagine life without Jesus, and doing everything Jesus tells me to do like a good little sheep! Because the Bible tells us all that we are God’s sheep, and he is our master! We’re sheep! Just think about that! We are meant to be God’s sheep, to do everything he tells us to do! In fact, right now Jesus is telling me to go get something to eat! LOLOLZ! *drool*

I just wish everyone could see the true majesty and glory that is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is King, he is Lord, we bow to him! Oh, guide us, Lord, we are lost! We need you to give us guidance! We know it’s a sin to think for ourselves and to have our own opinions and a thirst for knowledge and truth! It’s evil! Please help us remain willfully ignorant! In Jesus’ name I pray unto you. Amen.